Biggest Fear

Job 1:
¹² The LORD said to Satan, "Very well, then, everything he has is in your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger."
Then Satan went out from the presence of the LORD.

Just when I bend to the illusion of self-reliance and control, I am given a rather brutal reminder of my vulnerability and mortality. More than that, I am shown that in no way shape or form am I the giver and sustainer of the life and health of my child.

Saturday night the three of us were in the kitchen preparing dinner, when Daniel pulled a hot pot off the stove. We were both two steps from him, but completely missed his quick grab. When I heard the thud and splash, I whipped around in terror that he was doused in hot oil, only to slip and fall on my back with my leg landing over top the rim of the pot. I began shouting for Joe to help us, and I'm sure the horror in my voice and Daniel's cries will not quickly be forgotten.

Joe scooped up Daniel and put him in the kitchen sink to cool him down and assess the injuries. Praise God, the oil had not yet reached a scalding temperature and there were only two blistering burns, one on his foot and forearm, which we assume were from contact with the pot. He was wearing long pants and a t-shirt and it seemed his security blanket had taken on most the oil from the pot. The damage could have been so tragic, and by Gods grace alone, we were spared.

Still, we went to the ER just to make sure the burns were not serious, and I took Daniel to the UNC burn clinic on Monday per the doctor's recommendation. Most likely Daniel will not have any scars. The large pot ring on the back of my leg will probably scar some as it was both burned and cut, but it seems we both came out of the incident with minimal physical injury.

That night, I couldn't sleep but replayed the evening over and over - not just what happened but what could have happened. I took a blanket into Daniel's room and bundled up on the floor beside his crib, hoping his breathing would comfort me. I prayed prayers of thanksgiving. I had the feeling I would never forgive myself for this. There was absolutely no excuse for using the front eye of the stove when I had previously considered that I should start using the back because of Daniel's height and curiosity.

Sunday morning, I took off the burners and Joe stored them away for a time 18 years from now when our kids have gone to college and there are no little fingers reaching up, or rambunctious tussling barreling through the house. I wasn't able to tell our parents about the incident for several days because I dreaded their initial reaction... not of judgment but of the shared horror that was already overwhelming me. I just felt so guilty and ashamed and still frozen in the what-if. Surprisingly, that was not the response I got. Yes, they were concerned for us and upset that we had to experience this and grateful that it was not worse (and wishing I had called sooner), but the mamas also sighed in empathy and shared their own moments of fear during freak accidents and lapsed judgment.

Its seems that the biggest fear of motherhood - something happening to a child - is completely founded. Something could happen at any given moment, two feet away during a perfectly normal evening. So how does a parent not live in this paralyzing fear? I'm not sure. I'm a bit immersed in it right now. As parents, we have a charge to protect our children and give them a safe environment to explore and grow. However, we cannot be omnipresent or perfect in our attempts to protect. That pressure is too great a burden to bare.

I am brought back to the story of Job. Job lost family, friends, and wealth. None of this was done by the hand of God, but none of it was done without the permission of God. Depending on your view of God, this could be the most terrible thing ever or the most freeing thing ever. As I have said before, God loves the people I love even more than I do. His plans for them and myself are greater than my own plans. I must trust in His authority over life and health and death, because 1) He has proved Himself, and 2) In whom else could I possibly put my trust? Not me. Bob Dylan sang, "you're gonna have to serve somebody." Serve... trust... same thing. If you trust someone, you do what they ask. Yes, I just brought up that nine letter word of dread: obedience.

Does this mean I think my family is safe from physical and emotional harm just because I am trying to trust and obey God? Wow. I have to say a resounding "No."

I love the line from "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe" where Mr. Beaver is telling Lucy about Aslan. "Safe" said Mr. Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you." In the final book of the Chronicles of Narnia, The Last Battle, the entirety of Aslan's kingdom is ushered into a new land. Before this point, there were great losses, immense pain and suffering, yet it was all oriented towards this point of redemption. "All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before." We place so much gravity on this life, and that's exactly what it is - a grave thing. Personally, I go through life trying to shut out the concept that I will not live forever. I fear the unknown.

I know this reasoning of trusting in God because He is good - despite that good and bad things happen to people, especially people who we earnestly don't see how they could ever deserve it - drives people with and without faith in Him absolutely crazy. I too wonder is brushing everything off with, "It must have been God's will", not just dismissing personal responsibility? If scripture at any point excused us from responsibility from our actions, then I'd run the other way. If anything, Scripture seems to say, because of the grace you have and will be given, because you are forgiven, because of who Christ is, step it up! - Not to earn approval or salvation but because you have already been proven and salvation is yours.

So bringing it back to this past Saturday, can I find forgiveness? I have to, otherwise I am claiming to be God or rather to be beyond His reach, or that somehow my position is greater/worse than all other people who failed their children in some way. I'm just not that big of a deal, honestly. Am I going to just let Daniel romp around freely and trust that God's will be done? Are you kidding me? I took off the burners. I am going to buy an oven latch, maybe a bumper too. However, there has to be balance. In my gratitude for second chances, I will step up my game. In my humility, I will stop thinking I can control it all. The only way to not live in the fear of injury and yes, death is to hope - hope in what's to come.