My Portion

Sometimes I process verbally on the spot, and sometimes I take a couple days to internalize. Meanwhile as I internalize, I have nothing to say on any topic because the processing is deep, and to say something on another topic would feel shallow and betray where my heart is. Here's what I've come away with: It's all God's, and if chooses to give it or take it away, that is His business. Maybe sometimes He takes away simply because we can't give away and He wants to set our hearts free.

My favorite verse in childhood and through high school was Job 1:21 where Job declares, "Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." In college my favorite passage was from Lamentations 3 and the statement, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." Other versions say "my hope is in Him." It is interesting that a young girl growing up so blessed with family, friends, health, and a comfortable lifestyle would cling so strongly to verses about loss and finding satisfaction in God. I wonder if He sometimes ingrains words on our hearts to prepare us for times when those words alone will sustain us.

On Friday we got news that my husband was cut back to three-quarters time at work, meaning he will work three out of four weeks, and during his week off has the option to draw unemployment. While he is pretty down about this and I am a little sick about it as well, I am also excited about the changes it will bring. For a long time now, I've been wanting to tighten our budget and to live more simply and break away from the materialism. The easiest way to do this is out of necessity. Selfishly, I am excited to get to spend one week out of four with my most favorite person on this earth. Obviously, things are going to be tighter, but we are not in a place of desperation.

On Sunday Tyler taught that the way we react to life's storms reveals in whom or what we place our hope. The compounded losses over the past year have begun to build up. I feel like I've been swimming laps and am starting to get a little antsy for the pool's edge where I can hold on and take a breather. But the deal is, I'm like a young child in swim lessons. I think I am swimming on my own, but God has his hands under my belly and is helping me float. Sometimes I am just so eager to get to the edge I just want to push out of His grasp and fight my way there. However, it is in the water, in His hold, that I learn and grow stronger.

So what has my hope been in? My ability to make babies, my plans for a family, intelligence, Joe's job, my job, cleverness, savings, the house, etc and on and on. Obviously God must really love us, because He's helping us to let go. I've never understood what "The Lord is my portion" means. It sounds so mysterious, which is part of the reason I have loved the verse over the past ten years. I am starting to get it now. Because all else fails, I will trust the Lord fill me, sustain me, satisfy me. Because all else fails, I will stay right here and wait on Him until He comes.