Step in Time!

I love that Daniel is so into Mary Poppins. We have watched it as a family countless time on the weekends over the past couple months. On a nearly daily basis he begs for it by saying, "Poppy! Poppy!" Of course, we can't watch it on a daily basis, but it is the perfect remedy for those super cranky times when the afternoon nap runs a bit too long.

His favorite is "Step in Time" and he yells something along the lines of "Dee dup! Dee dup!" while jogging, squatting and slapping his knees, and sometimes turning in circles. He clearly yells "Time!" If we are watching other dances or just listening to music, I can say, "Step in time, Daniel! Step in time!" and he will start doing his little jig.

He never seems embarrassed about dancing by himself, although he does prefer us up dancing with him. However, on the end of the video, he gets camera shy! The whole time he was dancing, he didn't look at me, but when he saw the camera, he ran away. Joe and I are both pretty camera shy... more so with video than pictures. When I showed him the video later, Daniel seemed a little puzzled by it, but started yelling "Dee dup!" and "Time!"

It is appropriate that Daniel dances something of an Irish jig so well, but doesn't really groove to hip hop beats. Joe and I are not known for our dancing skills (although my rocking horse rendition has been requested on several occasions) and my hips insist on staying staying squarely in line with my shoulders at all times, so Irish dancing works for us.

Pumpkin Pics

Zoo Pictures

Two weeks ago during Joe's unemployment week, we took a trip to the NC Zoo with his mom and grandparents. It was the one nice day of the week and most the animals were still out. Daniel really enjoyed the Gorillas and Chimps, and we all got a kick out of watching the Gorillas being tossed their lunch.

In Darkness

In darkness, I am seen.

The most profound moments of my life happen in bed (If I could end the sentence there, it would just be too funny) ... while I can't sleep and am left alone with my thoughts. Since high school, I have struggled with insomnia and what I believe to be depression, and night time has always served as a space for wrestling with life. There were two moments in the first year of college that I distinctly recall as some of the darkest moments of my life, spiritually and emotionally.

My first semester of school was particularly hard. I was eight hours from home, pining away for a summer crush that rejected me, had not found a solid church community (had managed to wander into a cult or two while looking), and was very lonely. Looking back and knowing the struggles I'd later work through, I want to grab my 18 year old face (pimpled from stress, anxiety and too much root beer and fudge nut brownies) and just say, "Waaaaaaaah."

But at the time, my pain was very real to me. I remember my breaking point, lying on my loft bed wanting to pray and only being able to let out little sobs and moans. At that moment, the words from Romans 8:26-27 came alive to me.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

The spirit of God himself searched my heart, saw the pain and sent up prayers for me as I was unable to express anything more than tears. God saw me. In my darkness, I was known.

The next time I would find myself this overwhelmed was the summer after the first year of college. That spring my only grandfather had passed away, and though I believed in Jesus's life, death, and resurrection, I was going through a time of serious doubts where I had no hope in life after death. I doubted the very existence of a heaven where God and people would one day live. Around June, I was working at Camp Vesper Point and still deeply grieving the loss of my grandfather.

One night in particular, I was lying on the bottom bunk with my eyes wide open in the dark, unable to rest my mind from the sadness and fear of death. As girls slept peacefully around me, my soul felt tormented and alone. All I wanted was sleep and to not think. I have to say that I am incredibly thankful for a church that encouraged children commit scripture to memory because at my times of greatest need, the words of God have always flooded into my heart. This night I reflected on Psalm 121.

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.
He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.
The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.
The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

It hit me in that in my moment of unrest, God wasn't sleeping either. He was awake with me. He saw me in my darkness.

While the Christian faith is about something far larger than the individual, God is a very personal God. Sometimes in struggles of faith and doubt, I feel lost at church - like everyone gets something that I am missing. I see passion but feel dispassion. It makes me want to recede into myself and draw away from community. I begin to think God is for them, but not me - in my doubts I am disqualified from His presence. But in my darkness, God's words speak to my heart on a personal level. He reminds me that I am His child that he sees, fights for, lies awake with at night, loves, and restores.

Not About Me

Eight years ago, I was lying on a bed with my head the largest square pillow I had ever seen. The windows of the bedroom were open slightly - a compromise of mosquitoes and stagnant heat of the non-air conditioned communist block housing in the middle of the summer. I was alone in the room, and my host Romanian family was just outside the door, but my thoughts were alone, my emotions were alone, the only interruptions were the sounds of the floor below blasting some type of Gypsy rap.

To this point in my life, my relationship with God had always been about me: my comfort, my salvation, my purpose, my calling, my worship of Him. As I lied there without the systems and structures and mechanisms of worship that to that date had helped define me as a Christian, the voice of Mike York, the missionary leading our team of college students reading the story of God's pursuit of humankind from Genesis to Isaiah to Revalation resonated in my heart. Tears welled in Mike's eyes as he read of God's loving pursuit of humankind, the purity of the life of Jesus, and how all people from all lands and languages would one day worship at the feet of Jesus. This man understood the heart of God and it made him weep.

It is too small a thing for you to be my servant
to restore the tribes of Jacob
and bring back those of Israel I have kept.
I will also make you a light for the Gentiles,
that you may bring my salvation to the ends of the earth.
Isaiah 46:6

As the mosquitoes bit my legs and arms, tears formed in my own eyes as I was suddenly aware that while Christ died for me, my being a Christian was not about me at all. Being a follower of Jesus was about seeing, knowing and worshiping God and responding to His pursuit of humankind from the start of creation, to the life death and resurrection of Jesus. We tend to make heros of people in the Bible, but the the real story is of how God chases and wins them, not their own actions and lives. The Bible is God's love letter in which He reveals himself, page by page, generation by generation. So often, people point at religion and call it a crutch, a tool, or a means of power and control. This really does break my heart because they are right, and this is never what Jesus intended. They are right, because I have browsed the pages of scripture, seeking to learn something about me and my purpose, the meaning of my life, seeking some explanation of my own existence, when the pages of scripture resonate with the very presence of God.

When I make faith about me, I try to protect it, justify it, wield it, compare it, use it. When my faith is about me, I come against you who do not have faith. When my faith is about me, I blame God when things don't go my way. When my faith is about Jesus, I am "too small a thing" and my heart is for more than myself. When my faith is about Jesus, I love you. When my faith is about Jesus, all I have is His. I am not a thoughtless drone saying, "God-willing I'll see you next Friday!" or "God musta just not wanted me to have those babies, " or "Praise Jesus my pizza turned out perfect this time!"

God gives. God takes. God grows. God destroys. God loves.

There is so much pain in pursuit. Anyone who tells you otherwise has never pursued or been pursued. The Bible is full of pain, God's pain, our pain.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. - Romans 8:22-25

I do not seek to understand all the ways of God in my life, but I seek to know and draw close to Him. My faith does not give me comfort, but my God does. Jesus is no crutch; He is my legs, my heart, my head, my life. This Sunday, the congregation sang and I managed to squeeze out between the tears with a shaky voice,

In your time of need, run into the arms of Jesus. In your darkest hour, run into the arms of Jesus. When you're full of fear, lean into his heart. When you're facing doubt, lean into the heart of Jesus. When you've got nothing left to give, praise unto the name of Jesus. And when the storm clouds clear, praise unto the name of Jesus. Hosanna in the highest, Your love will not fail us, no.

Kiln Opening!

We were very pleased with the way the Antique Iron fired! We got the full range of brown, red, green, and even a touch of blue. The only disappointment was that several of the pieces have spots where the glaze did not take, which was likely due to me stacking waxed pots before dipping them. Lesson learned: no stacking after waxing!

Ready, Glaze, Fire!

I have three glazes in my little garage studio: Chun Red, Heather Green (I can't recall the exact name of the glaze, but this sounds about right), and a new one - Antique Iron. We (this includes myself and my kiln-master husband) just mixed the Antique Iron and this will be our first time firing with it. I have no idea how this glaze behaves, so I took care not to put it on too thickly and Joe used all the tiles that were available to catch any runs. The sample tile for Antique Iron is a teal color, but looking at other potters' results online, it might break brown, red or teal. This leaves me eagerly awaiting the results tomorrow evening.



This afternoon I went by the Crafts Center to pick up three finished bowls, glaze several plates, and take one vase back to be bisque fired. I ended up tossing one plate because there was an s-crack on the bottom, but there were still four left, and for the most part, they match. Because I still have so much to learn and experiment with, I feel like I still haven't developed a body of work from a common form. Experimentation is fun and good, even if it means my pieces go together more like the Jolie-Pitt family than the John and Kate plus 8 family. This is probably a common feeling, but my expectations of myself are always just a bit higher than my skill level and results.

In other news, I was accepted to the Handmade Market which will take place at Marbles Kids Museum on November 7th. When I applied, I don't think I was really aware of how soon November 7th would creep up on me! Joe has been more than accommodating in helping me plan my booth and try and get my pots fired in time, and he has certainly earned his title, "Kiln Master". I took part in the very first Handmade Market back in May 2006 helping coordinate the charity raffle and then sold some of my wares at their second event that November. This is a fun group of people and I look forward to doing it again!

Duking it out with Orangestone

Almost to a fault, I am overly ambitious and a bit of a wishful thinker. Joe loads his plate up with more food than he can eat, and I loaded up the Jeep with more clay than I could throw. I've been throwing with Loafers Glory, a creamy white clay that is close to porcelain but still a stoneware. Last time I went to Claymakers in Durham, I purchased 100 lbs of Orangestone, a clay I have been admiring for several years. The first day of throwing, I spent several hours with nothing to show for my work. The clay holds water differently than Loafers and although I could get great height in my cylinders, as soon as I tried to shape and form it, the clay would slump back down leaving a very heavy base. Finally, the next day I decided to scale back the size of my attempts and finished with a stout little lidded pot, perfect as a sugar bowl or a place to stash trinkets or candies. He now has a big brother and several rice bowls. The process of changing clays was almost like starting over for me, but I know it will only help refine my skills and flexibility in working with various clay bodies.

Outing to Historic Oak View County Park

Big Kid Swing

Daniel is determined to grow up as quickly as possible. Case in point - the big kid swings. He loved the bucket swings, but he always begs to get on the other ones. Typically, I put him in my lap and we swing together. Last time I put him on it by himself, he nearly fell off backwards. Today, however, he held on tight and was very proud of himself.

Toddler time at the library went much better this time. Daniel didn't even notice that there was someone reading as he was focused on putting his shoes on all by himself. If I tried to help, I'd get yelled at. The amount of determination this kid has amazes me. He can work on a single task for 30 minutes before he moves on to something else.

Daniel is so grown up that I'm already having to steal kisses from him. He will gladly give me a kiss at bed time, but during the day he dodges them unless they land by surprise attack. It's definitely sad seeing him phase so quickly out of being a baby, but I love seeing his personality and interests continue to grow.

It's His Party

Daniel loves playing in our bedroom and digging through the bedside tables. This afternoon I was relaxing for a minute on the bed and looked over the edge to see Daniel sitting in a pile of confetti with the cardboard popper tube in his fist. My friend gave me this for the delivery room at Daniel's birth, but I never used it. I guess Daniel figured it was high time to celebrate!

Learning the Spoon

Slow Down, Daniel!

Daniel is approaching two, so I figured it was time to document his interests and quirks.

Favorite foods: Chocolate chip granola bars, yogurt melts, popcorn, bananas, cheesy puff pastry, french fries and sweat tea.

Favorite movie: Mary Poppins or "Poppy" as he calls it.

Favorite activity: Slides, pushing a bucket on wheels around the yard, playing with brooms, rakes and sticks.

New obsessions: Choo-choo trains, tractors (riding mowers), and the moon.

Favorite song: The Itsy Bitsy Spider

Number of teeth: 16

Sleeps with: Green, Monkey, Frog Pillow, and Bumpy

Sleeps for: 11 hours at night (8p - 7a) and 3 hours in the afternoon (12:30-3:30)

Four most recent playmates: Gibson, Audrey, Jude, and Mason

Last three places we have visited: Museum of Life & Science, Pullen Park, Marbles

Last funny antic: As we pulled into the parking lot of Bojangles, Daniel immediately began shouting, "Tea! Tea! Tea!" The kid loves sweet tea.

Kiln Loaded

Joe and I loaded the kiln this afternoon for a bisque firing. Once this firing is finished, I will have forty new pieces to glaze including cereal bowls, serving bowls, a large plate, several pitchers, a variety of other small pieces and several handfuls of herb pendants. I am nervous and excited about the upcoming glazing because I have one glaze I have not yet tried and am hoping to improve my use of the other two which had mixed results last time. I used a red and green which was great for the holidays, but where the two mixed pooled in the bowls produced a bubbly texture I don't want to repeat.

This tall, lanky pitcher just missed the firing as it was still drying. I absolutely love throwing pitchers, but get a little squeamish about the handles. The shape and placement of the handle is such a big decision to make! I has to balance the figure of the body and spout and be aligned so that the pourer's hand doesn't get exhausted using the pitcher. It will probably take me years to develop my personal optimum form, but this one has close to the look of what I'm going for. The handle is probably just a smidgen too high, but that is yet to be determined until I test it out.

Who Has Time to Blog?

Daniel begged the groundskeeper for a "ride" on the mower at Fletcher.

With all the activities and outings we have been packing into our days, I've had little time to share pictures and write about our experiences. Tuesday, Daniel had Mom's Morning Out, Wednesday we met up with some friends at Fletcher Park, Thursday we drove to Durham for the Life & Science Museum and to see Julie Olson's pottery studio, and this morning we played at Pullen Park and had a cookie and tea date (just the two of us) at Brueger's Bagels. I spend the afternoon naps working on my course or at the wheel throwing new plates and bowls and in the evenings I've been at pottery class, community group or am just hanging out with Joe in front of the television. Yesterday I read a friend's post about the importance of talking to babies and toddlers and felt convicted that I need to keep the conversations with Daniel going during our awake times together. Obviously, there are things that have to get done, and there are days when I have to work more at my class, but I want to try to balance those when plenty of fun learning days for him as well. Meanwhile, that leaves me with little time for introspection and a personal thought life. I'm sure I'll explode all over this blog again soon ;).