She Said, He Said

Daniel has not yet mastered his conversation skills. While he is great at following commands, we are working on questions and answers, but it's not getting very far.

After several attempts at deciphering what Daniel is asking for:

Me: What do you want?
Daniel: WANT!
Me: Stop copying what I say...
Daniel: SAY! (Joe's laughing in the background)
Me: Stop it...
Daniel: SOP IT!!!!

Strangely this sounds a lot like my conversations (fights) with my brother and sister at the age of eight when we thought copying each other was a perfect form or torture.

Wagon Ride

Overly Processed

This past year I've done a lot of processing, and if I were a chicken nugget, I'd probably fall in the Tyson frozen toaster oven ready category of chicken nuggets, when I'd much prefer to be a Chick-fil-a nugget. Those are chopped, breaded, and deep-fried in the Fil-a's version of crack, but they aren't pre-digested for you, and they still taste like chicken. Fortunately and maybe unfortunately for you, I do a lot of that processing on my blog, so when I start posting pictures and some of the silly shenanigans that go down in my house, I feel like I am failing you as a blogger/writer. Then it hit me, maybe other people share my love for Chick-fil-a and maybe I don't always have to digest my life before your eyes.

Honestly, I'm just a little out of material, a little tired, and feel like I'm living in limbo as I nervously wait for this baby. This probably means I am not devoting myself to some of the things I should be and spending too much time trying to rest and recover from this ridiculous ear infection, but it is what it is!

So, here goes my under-processed version of a New Year's resolution.

1. Gain 20 pounds
2. Balance my cheese consumption with fruit and veggie consumption... do smoothies and potatoes count?
3. Up the bow-chicka-wow-wow
4. Play harder and laugh louder with Daniel
5. Continue to choose joy, hope and love over bitterness and fear

Festivity Pics

Some pictures from Christmas morning and our potluck dinner with friends:

Merry Christmas!

Luke 2

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ[a] the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

Daniel's (Unfortunate) Favorite Song

The Stuff You're Made Of

My friend Seanette recently posted a poignant line from a song about heart break by Switchfoot,

It's when you're breaking down with your insides coming out, that's when you find out what your heart is made of.

I know that it's been awhile since I've been on the dating scene, but heartbreak comes in so many forms, forms that I have been no stranger to over the last year. I missed Tyler's sermon on Sunday due to an ear infection, but Joe came home with some of the main pointers from the Mark 7 talk. One was that God tests us, and while we are not to test Him, He has every right to test us. Often, as evidenced through the life of Job, this testing comes with great heartbreak and pain. My own struggles are nothing in comparison to the hurts many people endure, they have been a time of laying open my heart to see what's there. Hebrews 4:12 states, "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

When God cuts into His people, I honestly don't believe it is for the cutting itself or to cause needless pain. It is for the exposure of our hearts. God's word is life and as His word exposes our hearts for what they are, He breathes life into us to restore us. I believe God's testing us is another one of His acts of love, because when our worlds crash down around us, we finally see the stuff we are made of. Either we will see Jesus or we will see lies. When we see Jesus, we draw closer to Him, but when we see lies, Jesus comes with his truth, and we draw closer to Him.

I wrote on this back in August, but there is a verse from Lamentations 3 that I have been dwelling on for about seven years now: "The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for Him." When I first came across this verse, I had no concept of what this would look like in my life, but I knew I wanted it. I wanted God to be my portion, whatever that meant. Since that time, I've felt God's soul stripping work on my soul, not at all unlike what Eustice the Dragon encounters in C.S. Lewis's book, "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader." If you haven't read this, it is a beautiful and terrifying metaphor for God's oftentimes painful transforming work on us.

So what are we made of? This is what I wrote to Seanette, "Essentially, there is truth to the phrase, 'you are what you eat.' Do you fill yourself with truth, love, beauty and the words of Jesus, or do you fill yourself with lies, self hatred and deception? Because when your world comes crashing down around you, these are the things you will have to fall back on. It's been a year of heart exposure to me, and I've seen that my lifetime of "eating" has been exposed."

As God has pierced my heart, He has laid bare a mix of things. One is that the scripture hidden in my heart even from childhood has carried me through. In Psalm 119:11, David writes, "Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee." I grew up in a church that encouraged us to memorize scripture and I have had the joy of seeing this bless me later in life. Through the years, there have been moments when God's words flash through my heart to deliver the needed truth at the needed moment. These words have brought life in the midst of death and hope in the midst of severe disappointment.

Another is that I have been living out faulty hopes and incorrect self-identities. My friend Holly just wrote an amazing post on Hope, which the following quote is taken from,

For me, hope is very easily confused with expectations. Expectations will always be a part of us as human beings, it’s just how we function. But hope is something different. Hope is when I don’t understand why something isn’t happening according to my expectations but I trust in God’s plan. This doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings or thoughts, but my heart knows (and hopes) in God’s Sovereignty. So while I may be disappointed that my expectations were not met, I am not disappointed in my hope. This changes my attitude. This changes my actions. This changes my character: who I am. It makes me more like Christ.

I have found that I am not built to place hope in anything less than Christ alone. My identity is wrapped up in my hopes. If Christ is the only one who will not fail or disappoint, then to let anything else determine my worth or my identity is foolish and ultimately leads to destruction. My hopes in motherhood, my husband, friendships, success - they are better left to expectations.

The last thing I've seen is that the Lord is in fact my portion. When false hopes are stripped and the the heart is laid bare, everything but Jesus withers away. When I started reflecting on that verse from Lamentations 3, I thought I had to do something to make the Lord become my portion - as if I needed to clear my plate and wait for the main course - as if I had to grow my appetite for Him - as if I had to somehow make my soul yearn for Him. But I had it backwards. I was created with a yearning and appetite for Him. He has always been my portion. In His loving pursuit of me, God has cleared the plate so that I might to see Him and exclaim like David in Psalm 23, "You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever."

Best Wedding March Ever!

So I am way behind on this, but I loved Pam and Jim's wedding on The Office. Little did I know that their coworkers' crazy wedding march was a spoof on a real-life wedding. I watched the original, and chalk it up to being a hormonal mess, but I was totally crying. There's just so much joy and surprise in the faces of their wedding guests! I loved it.

Belly Pic, 15 Weeks

Friday we all met with the second of my two obgyns for a prenatal checkup. I hadn't gained any weight since last month, I obviously needed to drink a lot more water (I blame being sick for almost two weeks), and I was nervous as we waited to get to listen for the little one. Well the doctor nailed the baby's location with the doppler on first try, about two inches south and to the slight right of my belly button, and the heart was racing at a strong 160 beats per minute. It was such a relief and it was great to have the doctor assure me that the baby seemed to be doing well. Personally, I'm convinced it's a girl, but I will be excited either way.

I'd been telling my friends that I was worried that the baby wasn't growing because I didn't think I was showing, but it turns out, I am showing. See how my belly is sticking out past my boobs? - not hard to accomplish, but still, I think I do look a little pregnant. I only just started taking my weekly belly pics today because until my doctor appointment on Friday, I was still paranoid about losing this one and didn't want the pain of belly progression pics that had another sad ending. As a reference, I posted a picture from the summer. I'm wearing a looser shirt and sitting, and was taken a week after my missed miscarriage at 12 weeks. I had a picture of me with a flat tummy from a month into that pregnancy, but Joe says bare belly pics aren't appropriate for my blog. I love that man.

Rock & Shop Market is Today!

Official Announcement: Shop local this Holiday season. Mark your calendars for the 10th Rock & Shop Market TODAY from 1-5pm at the All Saints Chapel in Downtown Raleigh, NC. Located in a beautiful old church at 110 S East Street, 2 blocks behind Moore Square at the intersection of Hargett and East Streets. We've expanded to over 65 designers selling their wares, with music by Schooner, Starmount & DJ Melissa York, plus food and beer provided by Only Burger & Aviator Brewery! Admission is $3. First 50 attendees receive a free shopping tote. For directions and a list of all the designers visit www.rockandshopmarket.com. Plenty of free parking is available in the fenced lot adjacent to the church.

Personal Note: I will have a table set up to sell my pottery. Come buy or say "hi"!

Thoughts on Friendship

Yesterday morning, my friend Claire and her son Tav came by for a visit. While Claire and I were enjoying good conversation, Daniel and Tav were a little ornery and unsure what to do with themselves, so they alternated between snacks, trucks, fridge magnets and mama begging. About 45 minutes into their visit, Daniel takes Claire by the hand, and leads her through the kitchen and dining room and then stops with her at the front door and looks up at her expectantly. Claire asks, "Do you want me to go home?" to which Daniel nods and says, "Home!" I was a little flabbergasted at his blunt request, but then couldn't help but laugh because surely, this was my son.

A couple weeks back I wrote about beginning to open the doors to my home to share my time and my space. For some people, this takes no effort. I hear friends tell stories about how growing up, their house was the hub of the neighborhood and there were always extra seats at the table prepared for friends to come eat. I grew up in the country (I use the term loosely, because really it was just the pre-suburbs), and most of my friends lived at least 30 minutes away. Our house was totally awesome with fields, a pond, a creek and a barn; and my mom totally rocked our birthday parties, but there was not a steady stream of visitors on normal weeks. My brother, sister and I played together most of the time and had all kinds of adventures inside and out, building forts and villages and going on hunting trips with our pop-guns.

My life patterns eventually developed such that I love being with people and get energized by social interactions and good conversation, but left to my own inclinations, I'm most likely to let the initiative to plan something pass and just stay home with the family. I find irony in that one of my deepest longing is for rich community and friendships, yet I have this nature that is prohibitive to me opening my life to develop this. I am not sure if it is a desire for autonomy, laziness, selfishness, or shyness that holds me back, but I do know that I am not alone in my desire for community and my frustration at my seeming lack of ability to let people in.

There are many levels to friendship, and if I were to chart out the normal progression of female friendship, it would go something like this:
1) Small talk - for me, this is the dreaded meet and greet, shaking hands with people in church, chit chat at community group before the study starts, one-handed drink and party plate chatter, etc.
2) Discovery of common interests, humor, or passions - this can be fun for me, "Oh you do this?... ME TOO!"
3) Shared time, casual, planned hangouts - being that this usually requires a phone call or email or some other type of correspondence and actually making a commitment, this is where I get off the bus.
4) Dependence, sharing needs - and here we get into doing life together, watching each other's kids, helping with meals, last minute phone call requests, asking for help or prayer.
5) Vulnerability - and finally, we start sharing the good stuff: our hidden disappointments, passions, fears, joys.

I think we all excel in different aspects of friendships, but rarely do we conquer them all with more than a small handful of people. There are plenty women who are great at small talk and hanging out, but getting them to share their needs or be vulnerable is like pulling teeth. While the friendship is usually fun, it lacks depth and permanence. On the other hand, I have become very proficient at jumping straight to number five and am terrible at the small talk and casual hangouts, so I come off as extremely awkward and standoffish at first meeting. I can't tell you how many of my friends have later confessed that they initially thought I hated them. For those I can get past the small talk with, I am very open with my struggles, and in turn, they are compelled to open up to me. This often leads to relationships where I play out the role of counselor in a long dragged out adult game or Truth or well, more Truth. Personally, I don't think all friendships can and should achieve all five of those stages, but there has to be balance. I need people I can just laugh with, and people who know and accept my lack of proficiency at small talk and can just hand me beer (well in another 6 months).

I really don't know where I'm going with all this except to say I've been thinking on friendships - the seasonality of friendships, the roles of them, letting them go and growing them deeper. Lately, I've found myself really excited about one thing or another, giggling over something funny that has just happened, or processing something deep.. and want to call up a friend to share, but then I realize I don't have anyone to call! Seriously, mom is tired of the daily phone calls and I hate calling up friends at work or interrupting nap times, so usually I just end up blogging whatever it is.

For A Good Whine

This is for my friend Amaris.

I have many amazingly strong women friends in my life who go through incredibly hard times. For the most part these women choose truth, honesty, and graciousness in dealing with pain. Most of the time, other than verbally processing with good friends, they don't complain. Because they choose to sort through life avoiding obviously destructive coping mechanisms and holding their tongue, occasionally they are suddenly possessed by the need to whine.

Personally, I am not a Facebook or Twitter-whiner, and I shy away from leaving those obscure "you hurt me, but I'm not saying your name so that all my friends now have to call and make sure we're cool" status messages. I have, however, been known to drop a good rant on loving ears. For instance, once during my sophomore year in college after fairly raw boyfriend fight and an unfortunate combination of foods at Fountain dining hall, I remember crying to my two friends for about 15 minutes about how I'd never get a man to marry me because I was so gassy. Well, there was crying and laughing and head patting and my friends not knowing if I was serious and completely baffled by the tears streaming down my face. After this, I felt much better.

I believe that every girl needs a good Waaah (pronounced with the same 'æ' sound in slammer) every now and then. Recently, by chance I discovered a very effective method for whining that will subside the itch for possibly an entire week. Because I love you and am little narcissistic (I do have a blog, right?), I am sharing.

1. Find a pair of loving ears... I mean REALLY loving ears.

2. For about three minutes - no... make it two, lay it all out. Start whining about the big stuff and work down to the little things such as "I keep having relationship problems and I think it stems from my daddy issues", "Every time I try to sleep on my right side, my right nostril closes up and I get twinges in my neck, but then my toenails keep snagging on the sheets when I try to roll over," and "I undercooked the pasta AGAIN and had to eat crunchy noodles at work" and finally "The corner of the rug keeps curling up and I've sat stacks of books on it for THREE DAYS and nothing has changed and I'm just so MAD!"

3. Now this is next part is key, and you will have to instruct the loving ears on this one ahead of time if they don't already practice this. Once you are done, your friend must look at you with one eyebrow raised - head slightly cocked in the direction of the raised eyebrow - and calmly ask "Did I just hear a Waaah?"

4. This is your cue to tilt your head back and say, "No, this is a Waaah." Now, make the saddest, whiniest, toddler-protesting-a-nap face you can and go, "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Waaah! Waaah! Waaaaaaaaaah!"

5. Waaah until you both erupt in laughter at how completely ridiculous you are being.

This recently worked for me, partly due to the element of surprise. Joe and I regularly ask each other, "Did I hear a Waaah?" so I didn't have to instruct him on his part ahead of time.

FYI, "Did I hear a Waaah" was not invented by us. I first heard it from a friend at a summer camp. That was his line to whiney campers on the waterfront who were complaining about not getting things their way.

DISCLAIMER, This is only meant to be a silly way to vent, not to replace working through real issues and having a good cry on a shoulder when needed.

Quick Reflexes

If you plan on eating in the next 30 minutes, do not continue reading.

Daniel has been sick with a high fever and mucus, which no doubt he picked up from his Mom's Morning Out program. Last night, the three of us were in the kitchen preparing dinner: salmon, white wine butter sauce, and green beans. Daniel was doing his usual dinner-prep-only-antics of tugging at my pants and begging, "Up, up, up!" Joe being the sweet daddy he is, hoisted Daniel up on his shoulders for a better view. Daniel completely flipped out at this and started crying for me, so Joe bent down and I put Daniel on my left hip so I could continue stirring the sauce with my right hand.

As Daniel calmed down, I heard the dreaded combo, the mucus cough followed by a gag, which signaled I had exactly 0.3 seconds before he was going to spew over my shoulder and down my back. In one fell swoop, I swirled him around onto his belly so he would vomit on the floor rather than on me; however the spew happened before he was totally in position. When I looked up, Joe was standing in horror, covered from his left shoulder down to his foot in toddler puke. Daniel only had a tiny bit on his sleeve from wiping his mouth, and I only had some on my sleeve as well. So there was Joe yelling "Uggghhhh!", there was Daniel crying about the foul taste in his mouth, and I busted out in hysterical laughing. In about three minutes, all of us were in our skivvies tending to the aftermath. About this time, dinner was ready, which we opted to reheat about 10 minutes later once the ick-factor had worn off.

Lies About Longing and Wholeness

It terrifies me that as Christian women we often propagate the idea that we are not whole until we are both married and have children. We train single women's hearts and minds in preparation to some day be good wives and mothers, and we teach mothers how to be better mothers. Often, all other classifications of women (married no kids, widowed, divorced, abandoned, once had children and have suffered their loss, celibate anyone?) slip through the cracks. While I believe that scripture does point towards a calling in these areas, namely in Genesis, which is echoed throughout the rest of scripture, and while not all but certainly a majority of women do long for these things, there are no promises in scripture that we all will find spouses or be able to have children.

There are two much deeper longings in our hearts which these longings for spouse and children echo: the longing for the deepest sense of companionship and the longing for greater purpose. Marriage does bring companionship and being known, but is also has times of great loneliness and times of feeling completely misunderstood. There is great purpose in raising children, but not all of us can have them, and children eventually leave and we still might be blessed with another 30 to 40 years of life. If we are to say that these two lesser longings are the ones that when answered will satisfy the depths of our souls, then there are many women who are subjected to lives of never being whole women. And frankly, how satisfied would we truly be considering all the disappointments and heartache that come with both?

The Westminster Catechism asks the question, "What is the chief end of mankind?" I say mankind here rather than man because while we are created as men and women, ultimately we have the same end, and thus shouldn't our lives also focus (albeit in our own avenues) towards that end? The answer, "Mankind's chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever." There we find companionship - enjoyment of God forever. There we find purpose - to glorify God.

Proverbs 31 is pointed at as the pinnacle of wholeness as a woman. For those who aren't married or don't have kids, it is tempting to look at the chapter and say, "Well I'm not married and don't have kids, so I guess this doesn't apply to me yet." I know while I was single, those verses were somewhat alienating. What if we instead looked at the heart of this woman? What if we saw her spouse as the authority and leadership that God placed in her life whomever that might be? What if we saw the children as those that God entrusted her with to train and care for? In her current community she is gladly serving those around her in humility and great strength. Her attitude and thus her actions glorify God. This is something we should all strive for.

So we get that our deepest longings are satisfied only in Jesus, but what are we to do with these lesser longings? I call them lesser, but they are so real and sometimes they scream loudly in our ears and don't let us sleep at night. Before I dated Joe, I was convinced that until I let Jesus be my everything and let him satisfy my deepest longings, I would never be given a spouse. In turn, I tried to shut off these longings, viewing them as distracters. As we waited several years to start making babies, I was so impatient for "my time". The problem is, for most of us, God has given us these longings for a spouse and kids. Our longings aren't evil (until we allow them to consume us) and most likely we can't shut them off. So what are we to do with them?

1. Recognize them for what they are. They are real. They are likely God-given, and thus God-delivered. We cannot force them to be answered.

2. Accept that they will not and cannot bring ultimate satisfaction to your soul.

3. Be real with God and talk about your longings. If your heart hurts, if you are deeply disappointed, if you are downright pissed, your telling God is not going to make God fall off His throne.

4. Believe that God is the only one that can satisfy the deepest longings of our hearts, both for Him and for our desire for family. Either He is sovereign, is in control, and we can trust Him, or He is powerless to help us and we are a most desperate people. I believe He is the first and both dances with us in joy and cries with us in our pain.

5. Know that Jesus' love is sufficient and we must surround ourselves by people who rely on Him as well. Until we have a spouse, when we have a spouse, and if we never have a spouse, we desperately need to be in community with people who will continually push us into the arms of Jesus.

As someone who in high school decided she would marry at 23 and probably start having kids around 26, (I married at 23 and got pregnant at 26), I realize it is very tongue in cheek to talk on this topic. But I feel it is important to say that while they bring me great joy, these things have not and cannot satisfy me. I still have times of deep loneliness and struggle to find purpose. I don't see my marital status and procreative fortitude as any indication of my wholeness as a woman. If anything, these have become stumbling blocks as I treat them as if they are to replace my ultimate calling to glorify God and enjoying Him forever. These have been given to me as avenues to glorify God and enjoy Him but are not the end goal. If I treat them as the end goal, I begin to evaluate my worth and your worth on the presence of these gifts rather than on the words and love of the Giver.