My Therapy is to Quit Being Your Therapy

For as long as I can remember, I've played the role of personal therapist or counselor in nearly all of my close relationships, with the exception of Joe and mom who have done a wonderful job of caring for me. My brother and sister even teased me in highschool that I was trying to play that part. It's true. For whatever reason, I seem to attract and am probably drawn to people that require frequent rehashing of issues. I even volunteered for a short time as a Life Coach at church. I've often joked that I am the band-aid friend, and when I am no longer needed in that capacity, I have no concept of how to be a friend. It sounds noble, but sometimes I think all the listening and encouraging hasn't brought real change - it's only served to act as a crutch.

A couple weeks back when it was decided I might be dealing with postpartum depression, I decided to give professional counseling a try. I only went to one session, and while we never got beyond me spewing all the stuff that's gone on in my life over the past year, my perceived issues, and brief descriptions of my relationships, it suddenly became clear to me that one of my biggest struggles was a lack of balance in my relationships. Not only was I carrying the emotional burdens of family and friends, but I was barely treading water in caring for the three guys who need me the most, and who need me sane to care for them. It's no wonder I could not sleep at night and wanted to avoid all people.

As a follower of Jesus, I believe we are called to carry each other's burdens. Being my three spiritual gifts are discernment, wisdom, and shepherding, it is only natural that I am always going play a counselor of sorts to people in my life when they are going through rough times. I also believe that there can be a difference between friendship and ministry. Friends give and take as you go through life with them, but when you minister to somebody, you pour into them perhaps without return to you, in the hopes of seeing them grow more like Christ so that they can minister to others.

In my friendships, I've found that I'm not very good at allowing others to carry my burdens. I felt extremely guilty and selfish when people brought us meals after Matthew was born. I have a hard time asking for physical help. I have no problem being vulnerable and sharing my weaknesses, but I somehow always laugh it off or follow it by flippantly stating God's got it under control and I'll be fine. This has lead to friendships where people feel close to me because of my openness, but I still feel distant because I have not been humble enough to express need, and thus I never develop trust. Because of this lack of balance and a resistance to setting clear boundaries, I've often shaved off friendships that have grown too draining. This hasn't been very gracious and I'm sure has hurt feelings and done more damage than whatever help I may have brought previously.

As silly as if sounds, I've decided to give myself assignments. Eventually I may head back to counseling, but for now it is too much stress to find a sitter and carve out time in an already packed week. I see my problems, and I have some goals. 1) I want to learn how to be a friend in the good times, not just when I am needed in a helping capacity. In reality, we still need people in times of joy, because celebrating alone is just lonely. 2) I want to quit judging women before I get to know them. There are so many times I've looked at a women and thought to myself, "I'll never get to know her..." and she's ended up being a very close friend. 3) I want to learn how to use my gifts in a healthy way. For now it simply means that I have to get healthy and rested. It also means that in my relationships, I need to scale back analyzing and trying to fix people and instead keep pointing them towards Jesus - The Healer and Counselor.