Seeing Jesus in the PPD

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

As I let my fingers fall upon the keyboard, I hesitate bringing Jesus into this publicly because I know that a lot of judgment has been passed on women suffering PPD and other forms of depression in the name of religion. There are women, some of my friends even, that have struggled accepting medical help under the belief that somehow it was a sign of weak faith, and that only if they spent more time in prayer and repentance they would be pulled out of the funk. I am not going to deny that Jesus miraculously heals people every day, but to put that type of pressure on a women or to deny God's ability to work through medication and the wisdom of doctors would be foolish. At the same time, to deny there was a spiritual component to depression or any illness for that matter would be to make too little of God. What I do want to discuss is how I have seen Jesus during this process.

For me to share my struggles publicly is nothing big to me. So when I shared in community group (our smaller family within the church body) the darkness of my thoughts during nights when I was unable to sleep, I didn't feel vulnerable or embarrassed or even brave. I was just stating a matter of fact. What I didn't expect was the outpouring of love. People that knew us well and those that were fairly new in our lives brought over meals, entertained our kids, shared their similar experiences, and sent me encouragement and have continued to follow up with me. Other friends who have read my blog posts have been faithful in prayer and encouragement. Friends with infants who were also up at night prayed for me while they nursed their own infants.

I step outside myself to observe this time and think, "How blessed am I?" I tend reflect on my time with PPD and think that I've had it pretty easy compared to many women - even questioning if it was simply sleep deprivation. But it terrifies me to think of where I would be had my friends not carried me through this time. My friends have quite literally been the arms of Jesus. As I spend time playing and laughing with my boys and even on the rough days where I feel like a total failure of a mom, once they are tucked in for the night (or at least the next two hours), I am filled with so much joy that they are mine, that God has entrusted me with these precious little lives and given me the gift of motherhood. I look forward to getting another chance the next day. I think it is important to share that joy, to say that yeah, there have been rough patches but I am completely overwhelmed with the beauty in my life.

This time of trial has been a such a blessing in that it has provided a chance for me to lean into my family and rest in the care of my community and learn to trust people again. I also have seen that my voice has been a source of strength to others. I don't take the credit for this, but I think it it just another way that Jesus uses trials when we don't run from them or try to hide them. Finally, as our family has faced not only this but a list of other pretty hard stuff over the past couple years, I feel like we've grown stronger, we've developed perseverance.

To my friends and family, to the strangers who read and comment, to those of you I have just met and hope to grow with, to my sweet husband who works so hard in the office and when he is at home, thank you! Thank you for showing me Jesus by loving me and my family.