Why do things that should wreck my heart not?
Is my faith nothing but an empty shell?
As I look around at my brothers and sisters in the church, I'm inspired by their passion for Jesus, their conviction of his calling on their lives, and their tears as they relate these to others. I vaguely recollect my soul's own deep stirrings from years back and I'm devastated to realize I am what I never wanted to be - casual in my faith. I don't question God's existence or the power of the resurrection, but sometimes I do lie awake at night fearing the inadequacy of my response to Jesus' provision and subsequent call on my life might indicate that I don't really know or love him at all. For months now, I've been mulling over what it means to really love Jesus and how to produce that love again.
While I could read opinions on this topic for years, Jesus is pretty straight forward about what it looks like to love him.
John 14:15 If you love me, you will obey what I command.Okay, okay, we get it, Jesus. We are to obey you.
John 14:23-24 Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.
John 15:13-14 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command.
Matthew 25:35-40 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' ... 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
Mark 8:34 Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.
There is a huge connection between love and obedience of his commands. The greatest command according to Jesus is 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind' ; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' (Luke 10:27) Likewise, he says in John 13:34-35, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
Yet I'm still stuck on what is that initial love or seed or spark in the heart that spawns such acts of obedience and continued love. Is it gratitude? Is it relief from having weighty shackles loosen their hold? Is it hope? Oftentimes I feel so emotionally calloused. I don't tear up with passion when I hear a particularly moving sermon (I don't laugh at the funny parts either). I don't get the warm fuzzies when I think of Jesus. I don't picture us dancing stream side in Heaven wearing birkenstocks and clover necklaces. I've almost lost hold of the gravity of what his death on the Cross did for me. If anything, I feel a little distant. I don't delight in him, and this really bothers me.
But I still want to obey. Can there be just raw obedience and that be love? Can I force myself to love him? Will obedience bring the passionate love I am missing? Can you turn a frog into a turtle by strapping shells on him? No.
Whatever is lacking in action comes from a lack of heart transformation, and it's the heart's transformation that will also stir the emotions. I've questioned whether it was pride, arrogance, or self-absorption. I've asked whether it was fear of being called to something uncomfortable or sacrificial. What makes a once supple and passionate heart grow stiff like leather in the sun? Sometimes I wonder if God is taking a break on me, or if maybe I'm somehow preventing his work on me. Perhaps he's waiting for me to take some risks before he grows the love in my heart? I get frustrated by the highs and lows of faith that seem to have stalled in a dry valley.
I thought we were in this together? HELLO? (hello.. hello?) Is there something I need to confess? If so, let's do this. Here. Now.
The words of Paul bring me comfort in this season:
I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.... And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. (Phillippians 1:1-11)So here I am sitting on this cactus, totally stuck but not hopeless. Begrudgingly I'll relent that it's while we are stuck and sitting still that God pulls out the pliers and gets to work on us.
I too feel calloused. It's almost as if I don't really believe the people who run around shouting their love of God from the rooftops, because I just want to say really? REALLY?
ReplyDeleteI feel frustrated at times because I am disappointed in my inability to be the "perfect Christian" whatever that means. But you know, If Peter dwelt on his imperfections, the history of the church would look a whole lot different. I want the heart change, but I don't know I guess at the same time I feel like I am and always be a work in progress...
... I should say inspired by the shouts and overwhelmed. Great point about Peter.
ReplyDeleteI resonate with this very much. In fact, Matt and I just talked the other day about my frustration at feeling a lack of....feeling. And I stumbled across this blog (somehow I had missed it) while mulling through the thoughts that I want to blog about. I find myself, like Andrea, questioning the validity of the enthusiasm of the people around me and somewhat bitter that I can't seem to dig up the same words and the thoughts behind them.
ReplyDeleteBut, in all of this, I find that if I can't hold onto the idea that Jesus can change my heart than I hold onto nothing. I am finding this to be a scary time in life.
It is definitely a scary time, especially when we hear of friends who've abandoned their faith and when we hear that these spiritual deserts can last decades. I have been reminding myself that the God who holds me doesn't change based on my thoughts of him, feelings towards him or what others say about him. His love doesn't decrease even as mine fails. My life is to bring glory to him - and what type of life he gives me to do that is up to him. I love you, friend!
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