Working Through Discipline

I’ve been wrestling a lot with the concept of discipline. There are patterns in my toddler’s life that could be attributed to a phase or just personality, but some of these are also things that do require some shaping and directing. Specifically, we are dealing with whining and hoarding, but really it could be anything. It would be easier to choose to overlook the behaviors and attitudes, but it would give them a much more difficult life ahead. To not establish boundaries for them would be to love them far too little.

Here’s the best definition I can come up with for my desired approach. Discipline is my reaction to my child’s choices that helps enable him to see the causes and effects of his actions and behavior so he can better understand the condition of his heart and learn to be both an independent and empathetic member of society. My reactions can be boundary settings, rewards, critique, praise, or punishment, but it must be appropriate to the circumstance.

This morning at the park, I was trying to get Daniel to follow me to the car and he chose to start whining and screaming that he wanted to play more. The form of communication he was using definitely revealed his inner emotions, but it was disrespectful to me and to everyone else around. Calmly, I chose to set him on a bench and told him that he wasn’t allowed to speak to me that way, but that I would be happy to talk to him once he calmed down. I then walked a few paces away and looked at things with Matthew. My reaction was to remove his privilege of communication with me until he chose to do so in a more appropriate manner. When I am at home, sometimes I whine back in his face for a second and then ask him if he liked that. Of course, he doesn’t and we talk about how that’s how I feel when he whines at me.

Yesterday I took Daniel to school and was pretty proud that we’d made it to the classroom door without any toys from home. Daniel then reached into his pocket and pulled out a Halloween mini puzzle to show his teacher. I went digging in that pocket and confiscated another puzzler, several plastic rings and a bottle of bubbles. Whatever pride I felt transitioned to embarrassment as the teachers looked on with wide eyes. Daniel’s desire for ownership and taking care of what he has isn’t a problem; however when his desire to collect and control prevents him from playing with the other kids or causes him to fight over a toy or take something that isn’t his, this becomes something that needs training and boundaries.

In scripture, it seems that God’s way of training us to avert our natural hurtful tendencies is to call us to act against the tide of them. In Genesis, God commands Adam to love and lead Eve and Eve to respect Adam. While this is a generalization, man’s natural tendency is to be lazy, and woman’s natural tendency is to control and consume, so His command calls both to act apart from their nature in order to work best together. Applying this model to my child’s tendency to hoard, I need to give him opportunities to express generosity. I don’t believe forced sharing does anything more than confuse a child’s boundaries, but encouraging him to choose to share or give things away and experience the good results shows him the nature of his heart and how to love others.

I wish I were more rational in the heat of arguments, and I feel having a game plan would enable me to react in a more productive way. I absolutely adore my boys, and because of that, I want to stay strong in leading them and helping shape their hearts. Every moment, it seems, provides an opportunity to teach and shape, as every day they are making choices about how they react to situations, treat other people, and respond to change. For each of their choices, I have to choose how I will respond.