(Don't judge me)

Oh for the love of deep thoughts, where have mine gone!? I think I've been struck by a bit of internet shyness. That's not to say I haven't written out a post here or there processing PPD and my sorting through thoughts on ending treatment. I just haven't hit "PUBLISH POST". Do you know what that tells me? I'm at a cross roads and I'm not sure what I think of my own inclinations. I don't want to set myself up for judgement or too hastily judge myself.

Do you ever process your life via written word, only to go back and read it and realize you were being totally unfair to yourself? I think there's a fine line between being too harsh and being brutally honest. Some of the things I could judge myself for are the very personality traits and struggles that shape the person who I have become.

So here is it. I'm scared to go off the medication.

Forgetting how I was before it, as child, as a teen, as a ramblin' (wo)man on the college campus, as a new mom, I'm reluctant to give up this new balance I have found. I question what exactly it is that sustains me. I recently read a post on depression by a friend who got to the point where she questioned whether it was she or the pill smiling.

I have so much to smile about, so I doubt it's the pill smiling, but the pill certainly dulls the anxiety that might have kept me awake during the early morning hours or kept me at home on the couch rather than spending much needed time with friends. As another friend recently pointed out, perhaps the pill also dulls things other than the anxiety. This is a valid question. Very little moves me. Yes, I can cackle bellyfulously at our antics around the house, but rarely do I feel a stirring in my heart that moves me to tears or joy, and there are times I feel I should be moved.

From a practical standpoint, Matthew is almost a year old now and everyone sleeps through the night. I don't have to lie awake worrying over the next feeding. I've got a strong network of friends ready to remind me in Whom my value lies. I feel strong. The doctor has already given me the green light to slowly go off it if I felt ready but also said I could stay on it a couple more years if I wanted to. Could it be time?

I Love that Smile!

If I ever marry Joe again,

If I ever marry Joe again, it will be in the spring and I will carry a bouquet of Black-seeded Simpson. I might even wear an orange dress.

First Blue Bird Sighting

Perched in the garden with a view of me and the nest.

Looking for bugs?

She stole the Robin's nest.

Early Morning Visit to White Deer Park

I love these over-processed cell pics of the boys. With both of them having fevers today, we've hit a little bump in the road that makes me appreciate how lovely yesterday morning was at the park. We were there before the air heated up and before all the other kids arrived, which made it feel a little magical. Matthew reluctantly rode down the extra long slide, twice in Daniel's lap and twice clutching his back. We took our new bucket of sand toys and built towers and smooshed towers. It's so great not telling Daniel where we are headed and hearing him exclaim, "It's a playground!" upon arrival. I do love that kid even if I've been cleaning up his puke all day.

Crushes

Preschool crushes are absolutely precious. Whenever Daniel sees a girl in a dress, he says she's wearing a princess dress. He regularly falls for ladies nearly six and seven times his age.

This morning we were watching Beauty and Beast, and as Belle descends the stairs in her gorgeous yellow dress, Daniel lights up telling me he wants her to come to his house.

Daniel: Is she really pretty?

Me: Mmm hmm!

Daniel: I want her to come to my house!

What a ladies' man! I know this one will be trouble with his blonde hair and blue eyes and constant flattery. He went up to his friends mom the other night and said, "I missed you so much!" I'm not so sure about Matthew yet. Don't get me wrong, he'll be amazingly handsome too, but his main interest currently is the cat bowl and the toilet bowl, not pretty faces. At this age, Daniel was already batting his eyes at my lady friends. Oh my.

Growing Up Fast

Are all boys this determined to grow up? Daily, Daniel reminds me that he is growing up really fast so he can be tall and his feet will reach the pedals so he can drive - that or so he can open the window and see "good morning" to me when he sees me working outside. Matthew is equally determined and is always on Daniel's heels, whether it's playing with his Daniel's toys during Mom's Morning Out or trying to do everything Daniel does.

We're not so brave after a couple tumbles in the grass.

Why such determination, little boys? I try to tell Daniel all the wonderful things about being a kid, but I guess I was the same way. We must make being adults look pretty freaking awesome. I asked him, "Why do you want to be an adult?" "So I can use your keys to turn on the car and drive really fast!" "Why else?" "I can use my daddy's computer and wire and work with you." "Do you want to use tools?" "Yeah, I wanna use my dad's tools because I'm really a grown up!"

That kid has some serious plans! I just hope he doesn't do them all too fast.