Pocket Smiles

He said, she said

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Fri, 11 May 2012 16:41:00 +0000

Me: If you could be any animal, what would you be?
Daniel: No! I want to be a builder!
Me: But what if you could be an animal?
Daniel: I'd be trucks and builder.
Me: What's your favorite animal?
Daniel: Monkey and a giraffe.
Me: So if you could be an animal you'd be a monkey?
Daniel: No, I'd be a construction builder ... I'd be a monkey builder! I could climb up buildings!

The Kingdom

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Thu, 10 May 2012 18:45:00 +0000

For days I thought of nothing but Amendment One. The only thing that really was a factor in my vote was separation of Church and State. Here’s the thing. I hold God’s law and the order God set about in creation as the highest law and the highest order - the highest of which stated by Jesus,"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself." Yet I know my proper place in that law and order. I am to live in obedience and love. I am to plead for the blood of Jesus to cover my failure to obey his law in every minute and every breath of my live. I am to live in the joy of redemption and seek to bring that to others. That is all. I am not to champion the Law but Jesus who is the fulfillment of the law. When we look into the eyes of Jesus and read his words and life, we are faced with his perfection and the broken condition of our hearts.

Observing the political field and the role Christian leaders have played in it, it appears that they faultily believe that the United States of America is the Kingdom of God and it is their role to preserve the shred of morality that remains. It is clear in Romans that there is absolutely nothing redeeming about us. Note that this verse isn’t talking about those other sinners but about mankind - about all of us.

Romans 8: 28-32
And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God’s decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.

We fight culture wars and do battle on sin forgetting that Jesus has already won the battle on the Cross. God’s Kingdom is ushered in by the Gospel of Jesus, by that smaller-than-a-mustard seed of faith he plants in our hearts. His Kingdom is here now, and yet it is coming. It is coming to a broken world, to a lost people, to the heartsick, broken and lonely. To those of us who’ve lived life shaking our fists at the sky in irreverent malice claiming our ways are better than God’s, claiming to be higher than God. It comes to us who in our own perceived enlightenment spit in the faces of those we find ignorant. It comes to our own hypocritical, judgmental, moral yet completely hateful hearts. It comes to those of us who call on the name of Jesus yet live every day still trying to earn our own salvation.

And when that Kingdom comes, we fall on our faces. There is no other recourse. We weep for those we’ve hated. We weep for the lost. We weep for the injustices done to ourselves and others. We weep for his sweet salvation, his precious pure life that exchanges itself for ours. And then the Lord says, “Pick up your mat and walk. I have told you, child, what is good; and what do I require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with with Me, your God?”

What are you looking at?

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Tue, 01 May 2012 17:45:00 +0000

This morning at Costco, I did the most annoying thing a customer could possibly do by attempting to open a door next to the sample stand to get out a box of yogurt - and happened to knock over an empty travel mug... at least it was the most annoying thing ever based on the look the lady donning the blue apron and hair net and her comment that the sample is ALWAYS in the front, with some other lady making a snide remark that you could even see that it was in the front, who then craned her neck to demonstrate how by peering through the door I was not supposed to open, you could see there was an access in front. Technically, no I couldn't see that, as I approached the yogurt from the back, and couldn't even tell that was what was on the stand. Pardon me for not knowing sample stand protocol.

It's interesting that snarly looks and comments could send my already overwhelmed self reeling, sputtering curt four and five letter words under my breath. Couldn't they cut me some slack? My boys had been whining all morning, and I'd been running interference between the two, and I just didn't have it in me to dodge the other patrons with their big a-- carts and equally sassy attitudes.

As I got into the Jeep (being fussed at by my two boys) I thought about how maybe I wasn't the first person to knock over her empty mug. Maybe it was empty because someone else had already knocked it over. Maybe when she put on that apron and hair net, she was equally overcome with the same self-loathing I was feeling at that moment as I tried for the nth time to ask my boys to stop licking the handle bar on the shopping cart. Maybe she was tired of being asked pithy questions - just like the well-meaning man who asked if they were selling kids as we waiting in the checkout line as a slew of strangers gawked at my kids as they giggled and pulled each other's hair.

I then tried to think of how God viewed her.

It is so easy to become simultaneously overcome with rage, embarrassment and depression just by a simple look from a stranger. It's almost natural to take those emotions and mentally cut down the offender to a size we can crush, but the thing is, in reacting in this way, we have given them or the situation all the power. I struggle to show people the same grace as Jesus has shown me, even if it is not asked for. It's all I can do. Otherwise, every disapproving look and snarky word would chip away at the person God created me to be until I was nothing but an angry, hurt woman hell-bent on proving my worth and yet completely defined by the judgements of others. We act out and live out who we truly believe ourselves to be. Showing grace isn't just southern charm, it's showing people Jesus.

Just a fuddy-dud.

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 14:49:00 +0000

Last night I got to hang out with my best gal who happens to be very successful in her career. Reflecting on my own path - a career never really took off and instead I am in a nest full of little boys. After a long several days of being quarantined, I think must be feeling a little tortured and trapped. Too many hours of PBS kids and whining can do that to a mama.

So as my head hit the pillow, it wasn't long before I was dreaming. Very strange dreams. I found myself in a very chic computer lab filled with girls from my high school class who were all in highly successful careers on the west coast, in legalized same sex marriages with progressive hair and clothes, and they didn't recognize me because I'd gained 20 pounds. It was all fiction except for the 20 pounds of course. I felt like such a loser as I blundered my words trying to explain that I was more than just a fuddy-dud stay at home mom - that I had a part time job teaching distance courses and that gardening was indeed very cool.

So what is it that no matter how much I trust that the Lord has led me to this point in my life that when faced with others' successes, I fall under a wave of insecurity? My friend and I talked about how when we aren't secure in our place and our identity, we can project other people's choices as judgement of our own. In general, I am quite content with my path, but I guess after a week of sick and whining kids, it's not fun. Other paths began to look like a nice escape. My friend always seems to have exciting crossroads and decisions to make. My life doesn't - or at least my skill developments and personal growth don't come with monetary reward or promotions.

Would I change anything right now if I could? I don't know. I do have a dream of starting a garden consulting biz where I help design and install veggie gardens for people. The real issue though isn't whether or not I'm maximizing potential, but whether I'm seeing what I do as a way to glorify God. (Group groan - bringing it back to Jesus here). If what I choose to pursue comes out of a quest to assert my identity or develop it or to make something more of my potential, I miss the whole message of the cross.

Christ's potential was massive. He could have called down hoards of angels to rescue him from the cross. He could have revealed all His glory and sent the people trembling away in terror. However, he submitted to the path which God called him to - and God was most glorified by his humility. He has redeemed millions of souls by making himself nothing. In doing this, He has lifted me up as a daughter of the King, and nothing can ever change that. I have nothing to prove to myself or to others, so that motive can be taken off the table. I can persevere in my path as straight and uneventful as it can at times seem, and I can be ready and prepared for any turns and bends He brings my way.

Just Be True to Yourself

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 21:44:00 +0000

I know I'm supposed to have these deep pervasive thoughts that just explode onto the screen when I sit down to write - but that just isn't happening anymore. Instead I find phrases tumbling through my head and broken pieces of imperfect ideas trailing along behind them.

One of these phrases is "just be true to yourself." The idea being - so what if people don't like it, so what if you are standing alone, so what if you look like a big dork - don't make excuses for who you are.

On the surface, this rebel phrase sounds golden. Sure, I'm a uniquely created individual and I don't need to apologize for the way I'm wired. If people don't like me or get me, I'll just hang out with the folks that do - no tears from these eyes. God loves me and takes me as I am - so I'm going to be the best me I can be!

However, when I go a little deeper and I start to dissect the phrase "just be true to yourself" I find that myself is often in conflict with what is right, pure and good. I find that myself really wants what's best for... well... ME. If I really follow my heart, my gut, what have you, I'm going to follow it straight into a big bubble bath with a white russian on the rocks in one hand and my iPhone in the other. If I am really true to myself, I'm not going to call you to see how you are doing - I'm going to wait for you to call me, and I'm going to go through waves of insecurity, loneliness and indignation when you don't. I'm going to eat cheese at every meal, I going to only sing to the songs I really like at church, I'm going to say every inappropriate thing that comes to my mind (and you know there's no lack of that), and I'm going to always talk about myself. And I will travel a lot and cut out any part of my daily routine that didn't truly bring me joy. THAT is what being true to myself would really look like. Because guess what - I think about myself a lot. Heck, I spent eight years in higher education trying to figure out what to do with my life.

When I look to scripture, I never ever see the phrase "be true to yourself" or" celebrate your createdness" or "just be YOU!" Sure God creates us, sings songs over us, and leaves the ninety-nine to go out and search for us, but that doesn't mean our calling is to celebrate and sing songs about ourselves or to go out and find ourselves. We have already been found - IN HIM.

Jesus calls us to quite the opposite of being true to ourselves. He calls us to die to ourselves. No really. "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." - Luke 9:23-24

Paul writes, "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." - Galatians 2:20

Maybe it's harsh, but it is the most freeing way of life possible. If I am always trying to just be myself, myself who is still broken (though currently being sanctified in Christ), I'm aiming far too low. God calls us to be like him, to emulate Jesus, "Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man; he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!" -Philippians 2:6-8

Since God is already doing the work to make us like Him, why would I not go along with that? Why would I try to find myself outside of that?

And if you still need to feel like that rebel self you are, try this verse on for size:

"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." - Matthew 5:11-12

Thoughts Leading up to the Women's Conference

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 19:34:00 +0000

This week, the upcoming women's conference was formally announced at member's night. I sat in amusement as I saw ladies shift in their seats and turn to their friends with puzzled and excited looks. You see, it has been just over four years since our last conference. I remember sitting through the talks being constantly distracted by contractions as my full term baby boy was three days away from making his debut into the world. This conference has been a long time coming. There have been rumblings and talk of a ministry. There has been waiting. More importantly, there has been prayer - I'm not talking about my own, but about the many prayers of many people who have long been praying that God would move in the women of our church.

This conference, to be in the format of a Theological Development Seminar (TDS), is not the launch new women's ministry. It is a day of training. It is a morning of having your heart and mind challenged. It is a morning to gather with the women of the church and open our Bibles to see God's heart for us, our unique createdness, and our common pitfalls. It's a time to worship God and celebrate His salvation and His ongoing work in our lives.

I've had the following verse from "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" in my head all week.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

I know that feeling of being "prone to wander". I can't express how often I've experienced shame for not feeling close to God. That shame has only pushed me farther away and caused me to be judgmental of those who were "feelin' it". Sometimes, I think we do fear not losing salvation, but that we never had it to begin with. We question how our hearts could wander so far from God if they really knew Him. The beauty of that verse is that credit for being bound to God is ascribed to God's goodness - not the author's efforts.

The other day I was talking to Joe, and I told him that I don't feel our hearts are captivated by Jesus as they should be. No matter who we are or what we believe, our hearts are captivated. They are captivated by our families, by materialism, by intellectualism, by the pursuit of lovers, by our own beauty or the beauty we long to have. If we don't actively give our hearts to Jesus, something else will capture them. We forget to pray, "Here’s my heart, O take and seal it!"

For the longest time, I've felt that distance. I've felt inauthentic in my faith. I've been cynical, and finally I've felt like a lost cause. I think the emotional distance I felt was only magnified by my absolutely faulty belief that God was over me - that God had plenty of other little people scurrying around to do his will, and I wasn't needed. I failed to see that this is unabashedly the biggest form of pride of all, as it stems from my own desire for glory. Yes, we can be captive without even seeing it, but give us five minutes alone with our thoughts and certainly we feel it.

I love the following verses about captivity, and my prayer leading up to the conference is this: Bind my heart to you, Lord, captivate my mind, and may all I do be for Your glory. Make me nothing so that I can make You great.

"Shake yourself from the dust and arise; be seated, O Jerusalem; loose the bonds from your neck, O captive daughter of Zion." Isaiah 52:2

"For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete." 2 Corinthians 10:3-6

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound." Isaiah 61:1

Holding Pattern

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 16:21:00 +0000

In my immediate circle of friends there is a lot going on - joyful, devastating and just plain difficult. And none of it is my story to tell. For once, our life seems fairly stable in a holding pattern of sorts. I dread the potential fallout from even typing such a thing. For someone who believes in Jesus and trusts her life to Him, I fear tempting fate a little too much. For instance, I don't want to have another kid because the two I have are so wonderful, I know I must have a dud coming my way. Just kidding. There are no duds with kids, but please don't tell me that we don't all have fears when it comes to making more babies. I think when we are blessed, we sometimes fear that something bad is coming our way to balance it all out.

It's the fear of disrupting the peace that ultimately leads to hurt. God blesses his people so that they will bless others. By just sitting on what we've been given, we end up smooshing it and making it stinky. This thought has been in the back of my head for sometime now. It's beyond the whole "nothing great comes without great sacrifice" mentality. It's more about truly believing that first of all, God delights in me, and second of all, He won't call me to scary places without giving me the strength to go there - in friendship, in ministry, in love.

God doesn't operate in terms of Karma and cosmic balance. All things are to bring him glory and to bring us to knowledge of him. When I try to keep the balance and keep the peace, or when I live in fear of having my tables turned, I'm failing to open myself up to His presence and His glory. It's like I say to him, I really like this pallet tree fort you built me, so I think I'll pass on the Swiss Family Robinson tree mansion just in case my fort goes up in smoke the moment I step out of it. (I totally hope there are awesome rope swings in heaven.)

I'm not inviting hardship by any means. Please, Lord, keep my children healthy and safe, let my husband thrive, and keep me sane. But prick my heart. Let it feel You. Let it see you.

My Little Big Pumpkin

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 17:23:00 +0000

I am around two little boys all the time and I tend to forget that I am actually a grown up and they are quite small. It's like when a dog or cat doesn't realize that it's not human, because it's around people all the time and never around other animals.

This was especially true in the early days of motherhood for both sons. Those first couple months, moms typically don't get out of the house that often, and people tend to not want to bother them in the house, so they are left with just the tiny ones. When Matthew was born, I became so used to tiny little faces that at the end of the day when my husband would come through the door and lean in for a kiss, I'd nearly shriek in horror at how huge his face was.

At Daniel's Halloween parade this morning it hit me that he is still little. He may have a very big voice and a HUGE presence in this house, but he's still my little dude. He's the one on the end in the pumpkin costume.

Despite being little, kids at the age of three can have very large opinions, which might be why it's easy to forget their size. We didn't talk much about Halloween. I knew they were supposed to have a parade at school, but I figured I'd come up with something very last minute. Last minute happened in Walmart yesterday afternoon when we were running errands.

"So Daniel, what do you want to be for Halloween?"

"I want to be a pumpkin."

"A pumpkin? Not a ninja or a pirate?"

I'd decided two years ago I wouldn't be buying costumes, but at this point in the game, a $13 ready-made was sounding like a very convenient choice. It didn't even hit me until I got home that the parade was the next day and I didn't have time to make it that evening.

"No, I want to be a pumpkin."

"Okay, let's go see what they have in the craft section."

Well thank goodness for discount felt at Walmart and the ONE glue stick I had at home. I put him down for a nap and then sat down at the computer to figure out how to turn my kid into a pumpkin. By the time I got the main bit assembled, I dragged him out of bed to try on his blocky draw-string orange felt sack to figure out where to put arm holes. This led to streaming tears because he was trapped in orange felt, which not only was too long, but he was terrified his friends coming over later that evening would see. I shortened it up, re-strung the drawstring and took him out front for a picture.

More tears.

It turns out that just being a pumpkin wasn't what he had in mind. He needed a face, just like the $1 plastic jack-o-lantern. Yessir. On it.

With a face and a second fitting, my little man's tears dried up and he was all smiles and super excited about his costume.

It's amazing what parents will do to make these tiny little people smile. But those smiles, when they come are big enough to light up the whole room.

Well, It Sounded Like a Good Idea

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 19:25:00 +0000

Hi. I'm back.

So if you've been following my journey through Postpartum Depression, either through my random texts or emails to you or through occasional Twitter posts, you know that it's an ongoing process. I don't know when PPD is technically over and the woman is just left dealing with crazy. However, over the past month I felt I'd arrived and last week decided to go off medication. I was already on a fairly low dose, so I figured tapering down to zero would be no problem.

I. Flipped. A Lid.

Who knows why. Maybe I needed to slow down the process or maybe the cold meds and a house full of sickies were just bad timing, but I've decided that it's okay if I still need a little help. There's no pride to be had by doing it all on my own, and if a little medication enables me to be a better wife and mom - and to actually like myself - then so be it. Considering I've dealt with anxiety my whole life without treatment, it's probably even a good idea.

I feel a little embarrassed sharing all this, which shows me that the stigma around PPD and other disorders is real. No one wants to be marginalized or have their thoughts and emotions taken less seriously simply because they are dealing with depression. It wasn't until I shared with a community group that I was struggling that several women privately shared with me their own histories with depression and PPD. Why did I not already know this about them? I realize that these are very personal issues, but especially in the case of mothering an infant, help is needed. Being home feeding a small, helpless babe around the clock is already so isolating. When PPD is thrown into the mix, it is nearly intolerable.

Two weekends from now (November 5), I'm hosting a brunch for the women in my church to share their experiences or their fears of Postpartum Depression. I'm doing this because we don't talk about it, especially in church. Hopefully this brunch will help us learn how to support each other and be better educated on the signs of PPD and when to seek help. If you are in the Raleigh area and want to join us, send me note and I'll get the details to you.

Public Service Announcement

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 12:17:00 +0000

As many of you know, I'm blogging regularly over at Love Sown (Garden Grown). Exciting news of the week is that Organic Gardening Magazine has approached me to be a guest blogger on "The Guest Blog", which is an honor for me, as my lifelong dream has been to be a writer in the public arena, as in not just in the angsty-teen poetry I wrote for years that extended past my teens. I am loving having a more focused topic for a blog than this mish-mosh of pics, funny conversations, and intermittent spewings of my personal life.

Maybe now that I'm 30 I suddenly gained a dose of modesty or privacy, but I feel a little squeamish about Pocket Smiles. The name bothers me, the irregularity of my postings bothers me (If you watch television between 5 - 8pm, you'll see Americans are quite obsessed with regularity), and having such personal reflections available for all to see bothers me. I've appreciated the encouragement through miscarriages and PPD and hearing how my openness has helped some of my readers, but I think it's time to move on.

As you know, I upped the personal processing for awhile after being diagnosed with PPD as a form of inexpensive therapy, and now I just feel done with processing. I've discovered my main trigger with the boys is being interrupted when I deep in thought, or at least attempting to convey those deep thoughts via written word (Daniel just got fussed at for being in my bubble as I was typing this), so daytime reflective blogging seems to only add to the crazy factor. I'm not sure that I need it. I've begun the process of weaning off medication and I've got healthy relationships keeping me in check.

The domain expires in December, so I have time to change my mind, but I also have www.lovesown.com, www.paigepuckett.com, and www.growhunter.com... do I really need to hang on to another? Some people get piercings, tats or haircuts to mark significant milestones. Perhaps I drop blogs. Ha.

Talking to God

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 22:33:00 +0000

Daniel: God didn't talk to me. I can't hur him.

Daniel: God, what you doing? Jesus, what you doing?

Daniel: He talked to me!

Me: What did he say?

Daniel: Ummmm....

When Maf says "Ball",

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 13:52:00 +0000

his face looks really funny. Proof:

He Said, She Said

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 23:32:00 +0000

Daniel: Is Daddy staying upstairs?

Me: I don't know. I'm not your daddy's boss.

Daniel: Are you his cousin?

Me: No, I'm his wife!

Daniel: Oh, Mommy! I'm his wife too because his name is Joe and he's my daddy.

Grow Hunter: Bringing in the Harvest!

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 15:58:00 +0000

Grow Hunter: Bringing in the Harvest!: "The garden is producing an abundance of squash, zucchini, eggplant, and cucumbers now. Melons are growing too. This morning, my boys and I t..."

To Seven Years of Wedded Bliss

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 02:39:00 +0000

It's hard to believe seven years have already gone by! We were married July 4, 2004, are best friends and love each other more deeply than ever. Tonight we got a pre-anniversary date!

Cuckoo

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Sun, 26 Jun 2011 16:26:00 +0000

Blue

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 13:46:00 +0000

Maf

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 14:56:00 +0000

(Don't judge me)

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Tue, 31 May 2011 20:24:00 +0000

Oh for the love of deep thoughts, where have mine gone!? I think I've been struck by a bit of internet shyness. That's not to say I haven't written out a post here or there processing PPD and my sorting through thoughts on ending treatment. I just haven't hit "PUBLISH POST". Do you know what that tells me? I'm at a cross roads and I'm not sure what I think of my own inclinations. I don't want to set myself up for judgement or too hastily judge myself.

Do you ever process your life via written word, only to go back and read it and realize you were being totally unfair to yourself? I think there's a fine line between being too harsh and being brutally honest. Some of the things I could judge myself for are the very personality traits and struggles that shape the person who I have become.

So here is it. I'm scared to go off the medication.

Forgetting how I was before it, as child, as a teen, as a ramblin' (wo)man on the college campus, as a new mom, I'm reluctant to give up this new balance I have found. I question what exactly it is that sustains me. I recently read a post on depression by a friend who got to the point where she questioned whether it was she or the pill smiling.

I have so much to smile about, so I doubt it's the pill smiling, but the pill certainly dulls the anxiety that might have kept me awake during the early morning hours or kept me at home on the couch rather than spending much needed time with friends. As another friend recently pointed out, perhaps the pill also dulls things other than the anxiety. This is a valid question. Very little moves me. Yes, I can cackle bellyfulously at our antics around the house, but rarely do I feel a stirring in my heart that moves me to tears or joy, and there are times I feel I should be moved.

From a practical standpoint, Matthew is almost a year old now and everyone sleeps through the night. I don't have to lie awake worrying over the next feeding. I've got a strong network of friends ready to remind me in Whom my value lies. I feel strong. The doctor has already given me the green light to slowly go off it if I felt ready but also said I could stay on it a couple more years if I wanted to. Could it be time?

I Love that Smile!

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Tue, 24 May 2011 02:02:00 +0000

If I ever marry Joe again,

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Sun, 22 May 2011 13:02:00 +0000

If I ever marry Joe again, it will be in the spring and I will carry a bouquet of Black-seeded Simpson. I might even wear an orange dress.

First Blue Bird Sighting

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Thu, 19 May 2011 02:47:00 +0000

Perched in the garden with a view of me and the nest.

Looking for bugs?

She stole the Robin's nest.

Early Morning Visit to White Deer Park

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Tue, 17 May 2011 17:46:00 +0000

I love these over-processed cell pics of the boys. With both of them having fevers today, we've hit a little bump in the road that makes me appreciate how lovely yesterday morning was at the park. We were there before the air heated up and before all the other kids arrived, which made it feel a little magical. Matthew reluctantly rode down the extra long slide, twice in Daniel's lap and twice clutching his back. We took our new bucket of sand toys and built towers and smooshed towers. It's so great not telling Daniel where we are headed and hearing him exclaim, "It's a playground!" upon arrival. I do love that kid even if I've been cleaning up his puke all day.

Crushes

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Wed, 11 May 2011 12:34:00 +0000

Preschool crushes are absolutely precious. Whenever Daniel sees a girl in a dress, he says she's wearing a princess dress. He regularly falls for ladies nearly six and seven times his age.

This morning we were watching Beauty and Beast, and as Belle descends the stairs in her gorgeous yellow dress, Daniel lights up telling me he wants her to come to his house.

Daniel: Is she really pretty?

Me: Mmm hmm!

Daniel: I want her to come to my house!

What a ladies' man! I know this one will be trouble with his blonde hair and blue eyes and constant flattery. He went up to his friends mom the other night and said, "I missed you so much!" I'm not so sure about Matthew yet. Don't get me wrong, he'll be amazingly handsome too, but his main interest currently is the cat bowl and the toilet bowl, not pretty faces. At this age, Daniel was already batting his eyes at my lady friends. Oh my.

Growing Up Fast

noreply@blogger.com (Paige Puckett) — Mon, 02 May 2011 00:07:00 +0000

Are all boys this determined to grow up? Daily, Daniel reminds me that he is growing up really fast so he can be tall and his feet will reach the pedals so he can drive - that or so he can open the window and see "good morning" to me when he sees me working outside. Matthew is equally determined and is always on Daniel's heels, whether it's playing with his Daniel's toys during Mom's Morning Out or trying to do everything Daniel does.

We're not so brave after a couple tumbles in the grass.

Why such determination, little boys? I try to tell Daniel all the wonderful things about being a kid, but I guess I was the same way. We must make being adults look pretty freaking awesome. I asked him, "Why do you want to be an adult?" "So I can use your keys to turn on the car and drive really fast!" "Why else?" "I can use my daddy's computer and wire and work with you." "Do you want to use tools?" "Yeah, I wanna use my dad's tools because I'm really a grown up!"

That kid has some serious plans! I just hope he doesn't do them all too fast.