Pocket Smiles

Holding Pattern

2012-02-10T11:21:00.002-05:00

In my immediate circle of friends there is a lot going on - joyful, devastating and just plain difficult. And none of it is my story to tell. For once, our life seems fairly stable in a holding pattern of sorts. I dread the potential fallout from even typing such a thing. For someone who believes in Jesus and trusts her life to Him, I fear tempting fate a little too much. For instance, I don't want to have another kid because the two I have are so wonderful, I know I must have a dud coming my way. Just kidding. There are no duds with kids, but please don't tell me that we don't all have fears when it comes to making more babies. I think when we are blessed, we sometimes fear that something bad is coming our way to balance it all out.

It's the fear of disrupting the peace that ultimately leads to hurt. God blesses his people so that they will bless others. By just sitting on what we've been given, we end up smooshing it and making it stinky. This thought has been in the back of my head for sometime now. It's beyond the whole "nothing great comes without great sacrifice" mentality. It's more about truly believing that first of all, God delights in me, and second of all, He won't call me to scary places without giving me the strength to go there - in friendship, in ministry, in love.

God doesn't operate in terms of Karma and cosmic balance. All things are to bring him glory and to bring us to knowledge of him. When I try to keep the balance and keep the peace, or when I live in fear of having my tables turned, I'm failing to open myself up to His presence and His glory. It's like I say to him, I really like this pallet tree fort you built me, so I think I'll pass on the Swiss Family Robinson tree mansion just in case my fort goes up in smoke the moment I step out of it. (I totally hope there are awesome rope swings in heaven.)

I'm not inviting hardship by any means. Please, Lord, keep my children healthy and safe, let my husband thrive, and keep me sane. But prick my heart. Let it feel You. Let it see you.

My Little Big Pumpkin

2011-10-28T13:23:00.000-04:00

I am around two little boys all the time and I tend to forget that I am actually a grown up and they are quite small. It's like when a dog or cat doesn't realize that it's not human, because it's around people all the time and never around other animals.

This was especially true in the early days of motherhood for both sons. Those first couple months, moms typically don't get out of the house that often, and people tend to not want to bother them in the house, so they are left with just the tiny ones. When Matthew was born, I became so used to tiny little faces that at the end of the day when my husband would come through the door and lean in for a kiss, I'd nearly shriek in horror at how huge his face was.

At Daniel's Halloween parade this morning it hit me that he is still little. He may have a very big voice and a HUGE presence in this house, but he's still my little dude. He's the one on the end in the pumpkin costume.

Despite being little, kids at the age of three can have very large opinions, which might be why it's easy to forget their size. We didn't talk much about Halloween. I knew they were supposed to have a parade at school, but I figured I'd come up with something very last minute. Last minute happened in Walmart yesterday afternoon when we were running errands.

"So Daniel, what do you want to be for Halloween?"

"I want to be a pumpkin."

"A pumpkin? Not a ninja or a pirate?"

I'd decided two years ago I wouldn't be buying costumes, but at this point in the game, a $13 ready-made was sounding like a very convenient choice. It didn't even hit me until I got home that the parade was the next day and I didn't have time to make it that evening.

"No, I want to be a pumpkin."

"Okay, let's go see what they have in the craft section."

Well thank goodness for discount felt at Walmart and the ONE glue stick I had at home. I put him down for a nap and then sat down at the computer to figure out how to turn my kid into a pumpkin. By the time I got the main bit assembled, I dragged him out of bed to try on his blocky draw-string orange felt sack to figure out where to put arm holes. This led to streaming tears because he was trapped in orange felt, which not only was too long, but he was terrified his friends coming over later that evening would see. I shortened it up, re-strung the drawstring and took him out front for a picture.

More tears.

It turns out that just being a pumpkin wasn't what he had in mind. He needed a face, just like the $1 plastic jack-o-lantern. Yessir. On it.

With a face and a second fitting, my little man's tears dried up and he was all smiles and super excited about his costume.

It's amazing what parents will do to make these tiny little people smile. But those smiles, when they come are big enough to light up the whole room.

Well, It Sounded Like a Good Idea

2011-10-25T15:25:00.000-04:00

Hi. I'm back.

So if you've been following my journey through Postpartum Depression, either through my random texts or emails to you or through occasional Twitter posts, you know that it's an ongoing process. I don't know when PPD is technically over and the woman is just left dealing with crazy. However, over the past month I felt I'd arrived and last week decided to go off medication. I was already on a fairly low dose, so I figured tapering down to zero would be no problem.

I. Flipped. A Lid.

Who knows why. Maybe I needed to slow down the process or maybe the cold meds and a house full of sickies were just bad timing, but I've decided that it's okay if I still need a little help. There's no pride to be had by doing it all on my own, and if a little medication enables me to be a better wife and mom - and to actually like myself - then so be it. Considering I've dealt with anxiety my whole life without treatment, it's probably even a good idea.

I feel a little embarrassed sharing all this, which shows me that the stigma around PPD and other disorders is real. No one wants to be marginalized or have their thoughts and emotions taken less seriously simply because they are dealing with depression. It wasn't until I shared with a community group that I was struggling that several women privately shared with me their own histories with depression and PPD. Why did I not already know this about them? I realize that these are very personal issues, but especially in the case of mothering an infant, help is needed. Being home feeding a small, helpless babe around the clock is already so isolating. When PPD is thrown into the mix, it is nearly intolerable.

Two weekends from now (November 5), I'm hosting a brunch for the women in my church to share their experiences or their fears of Postpartum Depression. I'm doing this because we don't talk about it, especially in church. Hopefully this brunch will help us learn how to support each other and be better educated on the signs of PPD and when to seek help. If you are in the Raleigh area and want to join us, send me note and I'll get the details to you.

Public Service Announcement

2011-07-25T08:17:00.001-04:00

As many of you know, I'm blogging regularly over at Love Sown (Garden Grown). Exciting news of the week is that Organic Gardening Magazine has approached me to be a guest blogger on "The Guest Blog", which is an honor for me, as my lifelong dream has been to be a writer in the public arena, as in not just in the angsty-teen poetry I wrote for years that extended past my teens. I am loving having a more focused topic for a blog than this mish-mosh of pics, funny conversations, and intermittent spewings of my personal life.

Maybe now that I'm 30 I suddenly gained a dose of modesty or privacy, but I feel a little squeamish about Pocket Smiles. The name bothers me, the irregularity of my postings bothers me (If you watch television between 5 - 8pm, you'll see Americans are quite obsessed with regularity), and having such personal reflections available for all to see bothers me. I've appreciated the encouragement through miscarriages and PPD and hearing how my openness has helped some of my readers, but I think it's time to move on.

As you know, I upped the personal processing for awhile after being diagnosed with PPD as a form of inexpensive therapy, and now I just feel done with processing. I've discovered my main trigger with the boys is being interrupted when I deep in thought, or at least attempting to convey those deep thoughts via written word (Daniel just got fussed at for being in my bubble as I was typing this), so daytime reflective blogging seems to only add to the crazy factor. I'm not sure that I need it. I've begun the process of weaning off medication and I've got healthy relationships keeping me in check.

The domain expires in December, so I have time to change my mind, but I also have www.lovesown.com, www.paigepuckett.com, and www.growhunter.com... do I really need to hang on to another? Some people get piercings, tats or haircuts to mark significant milestones. Perhaps I drop blogs. Ha.

Talking to God

2011-07-13T18:33:00.000-04:00

Daniel: God didn't talk to me. I can't hur him.

Daniel: God, what you doing? Jesus, what you doing?

Daniel: He talked to me!

Me: What did he say?

Daniel: Ummmm....

When Maf says "Ball",

2011-07-12T09:52:00.000-04:00

his face looks really funny. Proof:

He Said, She Said

2011-07-09T19:32:00.002-04:00

Daniel: Is Daddy staying upstairs?

Me: I don't know. I'm not your daddy's boss.

Daniel: Are you his cousin?

Me: No, I'm his wife!

Daniel: Oh, Mommy! I'm his wife too because his name is Joe and he's my daddy.

Grow Hunter: Bringing in the Harvest!

2011-07-07T11:58:00.000-04:00

Grow Hunter: Bringing in the Harvest!: "The garden is producing an abundance of squash, zucchini, eggplant, and cucumbers now. Melons are growing too. This morning, my boys and I t..."

To Seven Years of Wedded Bliss

2011-07-02T22:39:00.000-04:00

It's hard to believe seven years have already gone by! We were married July 4, 2004, are best friends and love each other more deeply than ever. Tonight we got a pre-anniversary date!

Cuckoo

2011-06-26T12:26:00.000-04:00

Blue

2011-06-25T09:46:00.000-04:00

Maf

2011-06-09T10:56:00.000-04:00

(Don't judge me)

2011-05-31T16:24:00.005-04:00

Oh for the love of deep thoughts, where have mine gone!? I think I've been struck by a bit of internet shyness. That's not to say I haven't written out a post here or there processing PPD and my sorting through thoughts on ending treatment. I just haven't hit "PUBLISH POST". Do you know what that tells me? I'm at a cross roads and I'm not sure what I think of my own inclinations. I don't want to set myself up for judgement or too hastily judge myself.

Do you ever process your life via written word, only to go back and read it and realize you were being totally unfair to yourself? I think there's a fine line between being too harsh and being brutally honest. Some of the things I could judge myself for are the very personality traits and struggles that shape the person who I have become.

So here is it. I'm scared to go off the medication.

Forgetting how I was before it, as child, as a teen, as a ramblin' (wo)man on the college campus, as a new mom, I'm reluctant to give up this new balance I have found. I question what exactly it is that sustains me. I recently read a post on depression by a friend who got to the point where she questioned whether it was she or the pill smiling.

I have so much to smile about, so I doubt it's the pill smiling, but the pill certainly dulls the anxiety that might have kept me awake during the early morning hours or kept me at home on the couch rather than spending much needed time with friends. As another friend recently pointed out, perhaps the pill also dulls things other than the anxiety. This is a valid question. Very little moves me. Yes, I can cackle bellyfulously at our antics around the house, but rarely do I feel a stirring in my heart that moves me to tears or joy, and there are times I feel I should be moved.

From a practical standpoint, Matthew is almost a year old now and everyone sleeps through the night. I don't have to lie awake worrying over the next feeding. I've got a strong network of friends ready to remind me in Whom my value lies. I feel strong. The doctor has already given me the green light to slowly go off it if I felt ready but also said I could stay on it a couple more years if I wanted to. Could it be time?

I Love that Smile!

2011-05-23T22:02:00.000-04:00

If I ever marry Joe again,

2011-05-22T09:02:00.000-04:00

If I ever marry Joe again, it will be in the spring and I will carry a bouquet of Black-seeded Simpson. I might even wear an orange dress.

First Blue Bird Sighting

2011-05-18T22:47:00.000-04:00

Perched in the garden with a view of me and the nest.

Looking for bugs?

She stole the Robin's nest.

Early Morning Visit to White Deer Park

2011-05-17T13:46:00.002-04:00

I love these over-processed cell pics of the boys. With both of them having fevers today, we've hit a little bump in the road that makes me appreciate how lovely yesterday morning was at the park. We were there before the air heated up and before all the other kids arrived, which made it feel a little magical. Matthew reluctantly rode down the extra long slide, twice in Daniel's lap and twice clutching his back. We took our new bucket of sand toys and built towers and smooshed towers. It's so great not telling Daniel where we are headed and hearing him exclaim, "It's a playground!" upon arrival. I do love that kid even if I've been cleaning up his puke all day.

Crushes

2011-05-11T08:34:00.001-04:00

Preschool crushes are absolutely precious. Whenever Daniel sees a girl in a dress, he says she's wearing a princess dress. He regularly falls for ladies nearly six and seven times his age.

This morning we were watching Beauty and Beast, and as Belle descends the stairs in her gorgeous yellow dress, Daniel lights up telling me he wants her to come to his house.

Daniel: Is she really pretty?

Me: Mmm hmm!

Daniel: I want her to come to my house!

What a ladies' man! I know this one will be trouble with his blonde hair and blue eyes and constant flattery. He went up to his friends mom the other night and said, "I missed you so much!" I'm not so sure about Matthew yet. Don't get me wrong, he'll be amazingly handsome too, but his main interest currently is the cat bowl and the toilet bowl, not pretty faces. At this age, Daniel was already batting his eyes at my lady friends. Oh my.

Growing Up Fast

2011-05-01T20:07:00.000-04:00

Are all boys this determined to grow up? Daily, Daniel reminds me that he is growing up really fast so he can be tall and his feet will reach the pedals so he can drive - that or so he can open the window and see "good morning" to me when he sees me working outside. Matthew is equally determined and is always on Daniel's heels, whether it's playing with his Daniel's toys during Mom's Morning Out or trying to do everything Daniel does.

We're not so brave after a couple tumbles in the grass.

Why such determination, little boys? I try to tell Daniel all the wonderful things about being a kid, but I guess I was the same way. We must make being adults look pretty freaking awesome. I asked him, "Why do you want to be an adult?" "So I can use your keys to turn on the car and drive really fast!" "Why else?" "I can use my daddy's computer and wire and work with you." "Do you want to use tools?" "Yeah, I wanna use my dad's tools because I'm really a grown up!"

That kid has some serious plans! I just hope he doesn't do them all too fast.

Community Garden

2011-04-30T16:22:00.002-04:00

Hunter Elementary, just a half mile from my house, has agreed to let me and a group of volunteers from the Vintage21 Church start a community garden on school property. The surrounding neighborhood is one that was recently hit by the tornado on April 16 and was already one of the poorest areas of the city. At the school, 290 students qualify for free lunch, and 75 students are experiencing homelessness.

Speaking to one of the the school's administrators, I wasn't sure exactly what the desire of the school would be - a teaching tool, something just for the kids, etc, but she was very intent that the surrounding community have access to the garden and that mentors have a space to work with the kids. The school has a lovely courtyard with a couple raised beds and a greenhouse purchased by the PTA, but the courtyard is closed off to the public. This led to the selection of the future garden to be at the front left of the school where there is an open grassy area with plenty sunshine.

Before I let you think for a second I am undergoing a noble task, know that I love to garden and selfishly am excited about having another avenue to spend time doing something I enjoy. The past three years, I've mainly spent my time in my own house and yard, and it just felt like it was time to get out and serve. I tossed around different ways I could volunteer with the church, but nothing really clicked. After I dove into the world of garden blogging with Love Sown, the idea of a community garden started tugging at my sleeve.

The night after I pitched the idea of doing a school/community garden on our church's social media site, I had trouble sleeping, fearing what I was getting myself into and wishing I could take it all back. I simply prayed that God would open and close the right doors and then tried to push the idea out of my head. Of course, I started getting responses from people who were really excited to get involved in the project. Still I tried to keep it at bay thinking maybe this could be started in the fall. Two weeks later I got word that Hunter Elementary wanted us and that Logan's along with their Plant a Row for the Hungry program would donate all the plants we need - when could I meet? Since then, several friends have offered to help with procuring the other supplies we need.

I'm a little nervous that after all the work and excitement this coming week, the plants will all wither and die... or worse, they will look gorgeous and produce no fruit. Dead plants can be replaced, but barren plants just taunt a gardener.

I wasn't going to go the spiritual route with this post and even with how I talk about this project because I don't claim to be divinely inspired. I just know that I like gardening and starting new projects, and the thought of kids going hungry makes me want to get off my butt. My heart may not be in this for all the right reasons, but when I see God at work, I shouldn't deny it. He has opened the doors for this despite my reluctant heart. I believe that God goes before us, with us and after us, and sometimes He goes in spite of us. Six years ago, I didn't really even garden. I think I might have just planted my first squash plant ever. Twelve years before that as a high school senior, I didn't want to visit NC State because it was "an ag school" and I wasn't into that. What did I know back then? Not much. What do I know now? Still not much.

Yes, I am excited. This feels like a step in the right direction.

All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
-Gungor

Another morning in the garden

2011-04-21T14:22:00.000-04:00

Newly planted purple basil

checking the drip bucket under the spigot

Fuel efficient vehicle

Climbing legs. Seriously, who is this baby?

Compost pail

Mama Robin gathering materials for her nest.

A little self-admiration

Dwarf Irises in bloom

FYI

2011-04-19T15:18:00.000-04:00

I had two babies and got too fat to wear my wedding and engagement rings. I'm back to wearing my "saving it for marriage" ring with the fish on it, but on my ring finger instead of the middle finger. Guess I'm not fooling anyone. I'm going to go eat an apple strudel while I feel sorry for myself.

I thought Tornadoes were for Kansas?

2011-04-18T09:15:00.002-04:00

Saturday a huge tornado swept through Downtown Raleigh and South East Raleigh. While our friends were hiding in closets and basements, we stupidly were standing at our windows amazed by the blowing trees and looking for cues that it was time to hide. Our neighborhood was missed by about five blocks. Power went out almost immediately and came back on in the middle of the night the next evening. Daniel had only one thing on his mind: light. Can we light the fires? Where is your flashlight? Can I hold it? Where is Daddy's flashlight? Can I hold it? Do you want to trade flashlights? I thought he'd be excited to have the lights back on this morning.

Me: Good morning!
Daniel: Good morning!
Me: Did you know the power is back on?
Daniel: (looking around) Oh, that's so awesome! Where is your flashlight?

On Saturday we tried to get over to King Charles with a chainsaw, and every road in was blocked. We couldn't drive more than a block in any direction without having to turn around. Families were standing in front of their houses staring in disbelief at the piles and piles of branches and rubble. We could have walked in, but it wouldn't be safe with the boys with us. Eventually we accepted that we couldn't get in and were only adding to the chaos, so we headed home.

As we talked to friends from church over Twitter and text, we didn't hear of much damage to their homes, but many of the surrounding houses were devastated. Joe went out after church to help clean up a neighborhood just northeast of us and I drove through downtown to look at the massive trees that had fallen. The tornado somehow managed to only hit the poorest neighborhoods of the city. Driving down Jones, there were some fallen limbs in the wealthy section, and almost right as it transitioned into a poorer neighborhood, power lines and trees were down.

The same was true of downtown. As soon as we entered the residential areas of E. Hargett and Martin, it was like entered a war zone.

I don't think this tornado had any sort of socioeconomic agenda, but those families affected will have difficult time recovering. While this is devastating, it is providing amazing and beautiful opportunities for people to serve their community. There were at least 100 people from our church out cleaning yards yesterday and meeting the neighbors of friends they wouldn't normally get a chance to speak to. Many of these folks from church have intentionally moved into impoverished areas with the hopes of being able to love those who often get overlooked.

Grammar Lessons from a 3 Year Old

2011-04-15T07:23:00.000-04:00

Daniel: Mom, turn on Thomas.

Me: I will not.

Daniel: You will are.

Spring Fling giveaways are next week!

2011-04-14T15:30:00.000-04:00

Love Sown is throwing a party for you and itself, but mainly for you - to thank you for following this new blog and giving it so much love. Starting Monday, a new giveaway will posted each day to help get you in the mood for spring and all the yummy things the garden will bring, as if you weren't already.

Look for these wonderful giveaways next week:

A $20 gift certificate to Renee's Garden

KidCo's BabySteps Deluxe Food Mill with Travel Tote

A 1-year subscription to Organic Gardening Magazine

A copy of the book, Roots, Shoots, Buckets, & Boots: Gardening Together with Children by Sharon Lovejoy

... and more to come! One will be posted each day and the winner will be selected and announced the following week.

If you would like to participate in this fun little Spring Fling by donating something for a giveaway, please contact me at info@lovesown.com.

Oh-My-BLOGness (More Bloggin' Besties!)

2011-04-12T19:25:00.001-04:00

It seems like every week more friends are starting blogs. Here are more real-life friends on the real-live internet!

{Love} She Spoke
hi! my name is jenn - let's have coffee and chat about such & such.

our modern family
thoughts and updates on our journey towards adoption

EAST OF TOWN
so, yeah. this is a long time coming. keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times… this is gonna be fun

Coffee and Family
First of all, I'm not a blogger. But I have so many ideas in my head these days I thought it was time to share them with the world. My heart is huge, but things don't always come across the way I want them to.

If you have a new blog and I've missed that fact, drop a comment and I'll plug you in the next Oh-My-BLOGness.

Pondering Beekeeping

2011-04-11T18:03:00.000-04:00

J.C. Raulston Arboretum's Hive

I have several friends that keep bees. My dad kept up three hives for several years. I'm just pondering it at this point and wondering if a 1/3 acer lot is big enough and if a baby and preschooler (and allergic husband) would be safe.

Where is Rosie?

2011-04-07T10:11:00.001-04:00

When I was in second grade, my social studies teacher, Mrs. Luellen, had us read an article about how in the year 2010 we would all have robot maids cleaning our houses and doing our chores. I think the author had been overly inspired by the Jetsons because 2010 has come and gone and I am still doing my own laundry.

The point at which you have too many clothes or too many people in the family is the point at which it takes a whole two day to do the laundry. Of course it didn't help that Matthew likes crawling into the baskets of folded clothes to toss over shirts and pants, and it doesn't help that Daniel likes to dance on the piles either.

Daniel spent an entire hour taking all of his clothes from a pile, putting it into a basket, putting them into the dryer, and taking them back out again. He and Matthew stood at the dryer banging on the door and flipping the light off and on. Too bad I can't redirect this energy into helping me sort and fold! Then I would have something even better than a Rosie... squeezable, funny robot boys!

Too much waiting, not enough living.

2011-04-06T20:47:00.002-04:00

Sometimes you have to stop looking for permission from everyone else to pursue your passions. If you wait for divine inspiration, you may spend your whole life waiting.

When I started grad school, I read an article talking about the fear of starting. Some students dove right in, making corrections and alterations to the plan as they went, some stood at the edge of the pool assessing every ripple in the water before jumping in.

Guess which I was.

If you guessed I was the one frozen at the side, you were right. I waited so long and planned something so big that I had to change form a Masters degree to a Ph.D. As a kid, I was the same way. While the other kids would try a new game with the parachute, I'm told I would stand off to the side watching until I was certain that I could do it to satisfaction. I had to be given permission to smile (hence "Pocket Smiles") at the beginning of the school day.

This is totally inconsistent from my daily rhythm. We fly by the seat of our pants, going to the park on a whim, texting friends last minute to attempt a get together. Yet these are no more than hour long commitments at most. When it comes to committing to bigger things, I freeze.

That was I froze until I read this post by Austin Kleon that my friend Christian shared on Twitter. The words that prodded me the most:

If I waited to know “who I was” or “what I was about” before I started “being creative”, well, I’d still be sitting around trying to figure myself out instead of making things. In my experience, it’s in the act of making things that we figure out who we are.

Personally, I think so much time is wasted in our young adulthood deciding what we will one day be instead of just getting out there and living. Followers of Jesus can be especially guilty of this, when the Bible already has made it quite clear what we are made to do while on Earth - make much of Jesus.

According to the Westminster Shorter Catechism and my brother's highschool's motto, "Man's chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever." Enjoy God. What a foreign concept that seems to be. So what do we make of these hobbies and passions and talents? Use them to glorify God and enjoy him. Of course, you could always sit around with a stack of career, personality, and spiritual gifts tests and survey all your friends on a monthly basis to see whether they feel your life is headed in the right direction...

I also liked his take on "fake it 'till you make it." For me, this translated to instead of waiting until I have enough experience to qualify me to write on gardening and upcycling projects, for instance, go ahead and write about it. No, I don't have tats, piercings and funky-rimmed glasses to pass as a hip urban gardner, and I don't yet have gray hair and built in elbow rests on my hips to qualify me as a sweet old lady gardener, but I do have my own stories to tell. I certainly have enough experiential wisdom by now to tell people how not to garden.

Here's the thing - life is way too short to waste any minute of it, and it is far too long to sit around doing nothing, waiting on some mystical door to open. Our lives are the culmination of our daily choices as well the big direction-altering ones. If we allow ourselves to be immobilized by the latter, then there's a lot of living we are missing out on.

Not-quite-desperate Plea

2011-04-04T20:06:00.001-04:00

Back in February I launched a new website Love Sown (Garden Grown). I've really enjoyed having an outlet for all the fun the boys and I are having as we develop a new garden at our house. I've featured easy projects, tips on involving the pre-schooler in the work, and pictures of the discoveries we make.

My long-term goal for Love Sown is to continue what I've been doing but also incorporate guest posters with project ideas, garden fresh recipes, growing advice, and their own stories of gardening successes and mishaps. I'd also like to feature books and eco and family friendly products and brands that work well for us. Hopefully one day I'll have enough fodder for a book of my own.

Starting April 18, I hope to throw a spring fling with a daily giveaway to bring awareness to the awesomeness of family gardening and green living, the products, and to help rev up readers for the growing season ahead. What I need help with from you is in followers so that I can attract great giveaways and great guest posters. Love Sown is just a tiny sprout of a blog and has a lot of growing to do. I'd be ever so grateful for comments, followers, and fans. Come water my blog and bring a little sunshine!

Oh-My-BLOGness

2011-04-01T21:10:00.002-04:00

I thought blogging was already mainstream, but now it seems just about everyone I know has a blog, even my brother-in-law who has yet to join Facebook or Twitter. In particular, my real life community of friends and my virtual community are colliding. I'm not complaining. I love to get the chance to read my buddies' lives on the flat screen.

If blogs could throw cocktail welcome parties, let this be considered mine. Some of these friends have been around awhile now, but why not still give them a HALOOOO!

http://ourbeautifulcollision.com/
a family by birth, foster care and adoption

http://goodnessseenbykathy.blogspot.com/
just had a thought one morning as I was sipping coffee to write a blog of things God lays on my heart in passing,thoughts, prayers, and how God answers in order to testify to God's goodness. hmmm....

http://cindy-somethingbeautiful.blogspot.com/
Our journey through adoption

http://emand.tumblr.com/
[hap]hazard[ous] materials.

http://magicfalcon.com/
A heartfelt blog about friendships that stand the test of time.

If a couple of my other friends ever get around to naming theirs, they shall soon be thrown a party as well. You'll see a pretty common theme of adoption and orphan care on these blogs (with the exception of Magic Falcon). That's because many of them are or have started the adoption process or are supporting orphans and adoptive families and are working with Reclaim | Orphans, an organization that had its official launch last weekend and is focused on "a holistic approach to orphan care and adoption."

10 Weeks of Vegetable Gardening: Week 10

2011-04-01T07:56:00.000-04:00

Each Friday I am posting a weekly guide for prepping your home vegetable garden. In Raleigh, the last killing frost date is April 11 (on average, give or take a week), so my first weekend for planting (summer crops) outdoors is April 9.

It's April! It's April! One week to go before outdoor planting.

Check the weather and make sure there is no frost predicted, and if not, begin to harden off your plants. Because mine are in a cold frame (or a hot box - mini green house), hardening off involves leaving the cover open during the day and closed at night for several nights before planting. If your seedlings are indoors, set them outdoors during the day in an area that gets filtered light so that the leaves don't get burned by the sun. Bring them in at night for several days so they don't get shocked by the cooler temperatures.

Something I have not yet done but will do this weekend is mulch the garden beds. You will save yourself much time weeding if you mulch. The best part about mulching is water conservation. Mulch helps prevent evaporation from the soil surface. Because it slows weed growth, you don't have extra roots competing for the soil's water either. Last year I did two patches of okra, and one was mulched and the other wasn't. The patch that wasn't mulched grew infested with wire grass and wilted every day as sun heated it up, the other didn't wilt. While it still had a little trouble with the wire grass, it was easier to pull up from the mulch than the soil.

When possible, mulch before planting so you don't have to work around delicate sprouts and plants. Check your local garden center for their various options - organic, marked for veggie gardens, etc. "Choosing the Right Mulch" from Gardener's Supply Company is a helpful resource for creative and practical solutions.

Why Parents Talk About Poop

2011-03-31T14:21:00.000-04:00

Have you ever thought to yourself and yet another status message about her kid's bowel movements? Why is it it that parents feel the need to always share the smelly details of their day?

The daily encounters of parents, in particular the ones staying home with the kids, are so traumatic and disgusting that if they didn't seek out empathy and humor, they would undoubtedly sink into a pit of disgust and self-loathing at the state of their shoulders and the foul atrocities nasally witnessed each day.

For instance, last night I inadvertently allowed son 1 to stay in a pull-up about 10 hours too long. Mind you, he is potty trained while awake, but I simply forgot to change him out of the nap pull-up and into the night time one at bed time, so he started off one sheet and mattress pad to the wind. So as I am changing his bedding for his nap today, he is on the potty and I hear the word poop uttered several times before hearing shrieks of laughter and AWWW, Matthew! Son 2 was fishing for carp (rearrange letters at will) with his hand shoved down in the water between son 1's legs, while son 1 had sczootched to the back of the seat cackling. Thank the Lord for dial soap.

For every five shared status messages or stories shared by a parent, you can assume there is at least one unspeakable story of which you will never know. Be thankful you don't hear those stories. Be thankful if you have those stories that your toddler will forget them.

Parents need to know that what goes on inside their walls doesn't only go on inside their walls. They need the badge of bravery that comes from shared laughter and groans of ewwww. Some days I feel like it is me versus the crazies, and I can't help but sigh you boys are sooo gross! They are, but I don't love them any less for it.

Thursday Thoughts

2011-03-31T11:51:00.000-04:00

Is it really Thursday already? Do you know what is all over my deck? Bird poop. That's right, my need to see the birds up close has usurped my desire for a sanitary deck. The front row seat makes the cat twitchy, who has nearly gone ferrel after subsequent days of sneaking outside and having a camp out during that nasty night of frost this week. She usually sticks to the floor and couches, but I've caught her drinking out of frying pans in the sink and licking a plate of leftover pizza. She's seven years old and rediscovering her youth, a midlife crisis of sorts.

This morning I've been reflecting on some things I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for my crazy cat who restrains herself from scratching my crazy boys faces as they attempt to give her their oftentimes aggressive love. I'm thankful for friends that I can be real with and who pass on quotes that make them think of me. I'm thankful for a church that loves Jesus and whose messiness isn't brushed under the rug. I'm thankful for all this rain that's making the green shoot up from the ground and out the brown tips of branches. I'm thankful for this silly little blog that gives me an outlet for writing and venting and exploring. I'm thankful for you who read my silly blog and occasionally send me notes to encourage or challenge me. I'm thankful for my son who is cracking me up right now as he freaks out over not being able to stand on his head.

Stuck in the Mud

2011-03-28T13:26:00.001-04:00

As an undergrad I stood beneath a stream embankment wearing waders up to my bottom and holding a survey rod. I took a couple small sinking steps and realized that I could no longer move. The mud was sticky and deep enough that I couldn't lift my leg high enough to take a step. Even if I tried to take a step, I'd lose balance and fall on my face, with my feet still stuck in the same two muddy holes. I could possibly pull my feet out of the waders, but then I'd be wet and stuck with no shoes on. Anything I could attempt on my own, no matter how brave and noble was destined to end in a total mess. Once we got the elevation shot with the Topcon, my boss came over to the side of the bank and lifted me straight up and out by my hands, boots and all.

I don't enjoy hearing how messed up my heart is apart from Jesus, but have you ever been in that place where you just feel it? No one has to point it out to you. It's like trying to walk through that swampy water. No one needs to tell you that you are standing in a swamp because your feet can't move. Maybe you decide to take on a new ministry opportunity and you get that rush and fuzzy feeling that comes with collaborating with others and improving the lives of other people, but when it's just you and God in that dark quite space before you fall asleep, you realize you're not any closer to him than before you started.

Content. While my natural inclination is to fixate on the appearance and the action, it is the content that matters. Of what, you ask? My heart. Of your heart. I wonder if there has ever been a single thing I've done that hasn't been tainted by the pursuit of self-(anything). Motherhood is the closest thing to unselfish love I've ever come to, but even that is mixed with feelings of duty, fears of failure, and saving face. My time in Romania was overshadowed by the huge amount of pride I got from being there and from doing something "good" for the orphanage.

Let this verse out of Mark 10 rattle around in your heart a bit: "'Why do you call me good?' Jesus answered. "No one is good--except God alone."

What is the content of my heart? What is it I aspire to? Is it to be good? Substituting one word from Jesus's statement above - Is it to be God? Whew, all of the sudden I'm on par with a certain fallen angel. Any aspirations of being something fall short of desiring Christ himself. Desiring goodness, love, patience do not get me Jesus. Having Jesus brings those things, but I don't have Jesus so that I can have those things. Either He is singular and worthy of it all, or I am wasting my time.

This is where my own train continually derails. There is always something in it for me. I always want the affirmation and the praise. I want to look like I have my junk together. I want to sound wise. But rarely do I truly, honestly just want Jesus. Yes, I feel like a terrible jerk for even typing it. I'm in the mud up to my knees and I can't wiggle out. This is where I am. I'm looking up at the bank and done pretending like there's something I can do to make my situation any better.

Here's the appearance of my life: I am thankful. Circumstantially, life is awesome. But here's the content: there is a longing and a need for the personal embrace of Jesus that has been brushed aside so long that the static nature of my heart as deluded me into thinking that status quo is acceptable - that joy over the blessings can be a substitute for the joy of the Blesser, that I can keep being the spiritually train-wrecked friend so long as I am vulnerable and funny about it, that just because no one is calling my bluff that they don't see it.

10 Weeks of Vegetable Gardening: Week 9

2011-03-25T10:18:00.001-04:00

Each Friday I am posting a weekly guide for prepping your home vegetable garden. In Raleigh, the last killing frost date is April 11 (on average, give or take a week), so my first weekend for planting (summer crops) outdoors is April 9.

If you just couldn't resist planting some of your sprouts before the last frost date, you might be a little nervous about the frost warnings for this weekend. I couldn't help planting a couple tomatoes and squash early but saved most for planting later. Still, those seedlings are an investment of time and money, so I want to protect them.

Here are a several tips for protecting those plants that are susceptible to frost damage:

1) Make tents out of a vertical stakes and a pillow case, blanket, newspaper, or tarp. This will help trap the heat and keep it from escaping at night. It is best to do this early in the evening before they have begun to lose a lot of heat.

2) Cut soda bottles or milk jugs in half and place over the plants. This will create a mini green house around each plant.

3) Water the ground well before nightfall. The wet ground loses heat more slowly and can insulate the plants.

4) Bring potted plants inside as the roots have less ground to insulate them from the cold.

5) Mulch the garden. Mulch will not only hold in the moisture, but it will also hold in the heat. You will still want to protect the leaves, so pair this with the tents or bottles.

Full Moon

2011-03-20T15:22:00.002-04:00

Joe and I peeked outside last night at what was to be the closest full moon in almost 20 years. Nothing weird happened. What a relief.

10 Weeks of Vegetable Gardening: Week 8

2011-03-18T10:32:00.000-04:00

Each Friday I am posting a weekly guide for prepping your home vegetable garden. In Raleigh, the last killing frost date is April 11 (on average, give or take a week), so my first weekend for planting (summer crops) outdoors is April 9

Have you given thought to what you will be going your tomatoes and bean vines on yet? This is a great time to look back over your layout plans (or to start thinking through them) and determine what type of support system you will use for plants that like to be trellised.

I have used bamboo teepees for peas, green beans and tomatoes the past couple years. They are easy to build and the materials are fairly inexpensive, especially when you can buy them in bulk. I was able to find packs of 12 at Big Lots several years ago.

These metal trellises ran about $30 each, but I found them on sale at Lowes. I used them to grow Carolina Jessamine in the past, but we dug that out for the new garden. I plan on growing hanging squash from these.

I purchased this old ladder at the flea market a couple weekends ago. It would make a nice support for tomato bushes and only cost me $10, whereas some of the sturdier cages can cost upwards of $15. A ladder can add a little whimsey to the garden. Unfortunately, Daniel has already claimed this one as his own. A teepee out of bamboo or large sticks can make a wonderful trellis as well.

These 10 ft metal thingermabobs (technically they are steel remesh) were located in the masonry aisle of Lowes and cost me $2.97 a piece. I purchased seven of them to make a pole bean tunnel.

Start looking and dreaming!

I couldn't keep looking at the ants. Here are some pretty birds.

2011-03-16T20:44:00.000-04:00

Wordless Wednesday: They're Baaaack

2011-03-16T11:47:00.001-04:00

I could seriously use some advice on getting these out of the veggie garden and away from the kid's teepee. Daniel reacts pretty strongly to their bites. I've used a garden safe poison (yeah, like I really believe it either) because I need to get them OUT now.

10 Weeks of Vegetable Gardening: Week 7

2011-03-11T08:05:00.000-05:00

Each Friday I am posting a weekly guide for prepping your home vegetable garden. In Raleigh, the last killing frost date is April 11 (on average, give or take a week), so my first weekend for planting (summer crops) outdoors is April 9

We impulsively go to Lowes on the weekends. We just can't hold ourselves back. Even Daniel requests it, always hoping for a turn on the riding mowers. This week I found myself stopping at Walmart, Burkes Brothers, and Logan's. That's right, THREE places. I picked up some lovely saxifraga (pink-flowered evergreen ground cover), sweet mint, lemon thyme, and some Italian climbing summer squash seeds. What caught me off guard was that some stores were selling tomato plants, and it is still several weeks before the last killing frost.

Two summers ago, I started planting outdoors fairly early, several weeks before my neighbors. You'd better believe I was checking the forecast. Once, I had every bed linen that wasn't on our bed covering veggie plants at night. I made a tarp tent for my peas. Silly me, I didn't know that peas don't need tents and peppers really shouldn't be planted that early (which probably explains the pillar of peppers failure).

From what I've read, there are plants such as tomatoes that may be planted early (although protected from frost). As the temperature drops, they may start to droop, but fruit production won't be impacted later in the summer. Other plants such as peppers, may look completely unaffected by the cold but produce very disappointing peppers later. Peas, broccoli, lettuces are fairly hardy and can handle a little frost in the early spring.

So if you are very eager to plant a tomato bush, go for it, but don't blame me if we get a late spring blizzard. All my sprouts are staying warm in the hot box still. I did accidentally leave it open one night and lost two cucumber sprouts, but I'm crossing my fingers that everything else is okay.

By the way, I counted and I recounted my weeks, and I still had it off on the planting date and counting back 10 weeks. So if you feel behind, don't worry. My neighbor always plants on Good Friday. I'll probably be planting two weeks before on the 9th.

10 Weeks of Vegetable Gardening: Week 6

2011-03-05T14:06:00.001-05:00

Each Friday I am posting a weekly guide for prepping your home vegetable garden. In Raleigh, the last killing frost date is April 11 (on average, give or take a week), so my first weekend for planting (summer crops) outdoors is April 9.

Can you believe it is only 4 weeks left until the last killing frost? I am absolutely delighted to see redbuds blossoming, although I know my sinuses will soon be barraged by pollen. This week I have been sowing flower seeds everywhere - in the ground, indoors, and in my cold-frame. Most of my seed packets say March - May, so I dove right in. I originally wanted my garden to only house vegetables, until I considered that it would be nice to have perennial flowers and bulbs and herbs to serve as the bones and give structure and color to the garden.

There are some annuals that once you get going will keep coming back year after year. One of those is cockscomb, an edible plant eaten in West and Central Africa and East Asia. I harvested a bag of seeds from my neighbors' flowers last year, and they have already sprouted in my cold-frame. She says they usually come up late summer in her yard, so I will be getting a head-start.

This week I also put lettuce sprouts in the ground, which means that it is time to lay out the drip (or soaker) hoses, which save a lot of water as compared to a sprinkler. Believe me, you will only make the mistake of laying a drip hose AFTER you have planted your garden once. Drip hoses are not very expensive, but can break down over the years. Before installing it in the garden, check to make sure there are no clogs and that the water is fairly evenly distributed down the length of the hose.

The following seeds can be planted indoors this week: cantaloupe, cucumber, okra, pumpkin, and squash.

Happy gardening!

Pause.

2011-03-01T15:59:00.000-05:00

This is a rare moment the boys are napping together.

Hear that?

Neither do I.

It's nice.

Well, there's Matthew. Can't hold my breath too long! Check out these cuties though:

10 Weeks of Vegetable Gardening: Week 5

2011-02-25T10:57:00.002-05:00

Each Friday I am posting a weekly guide for prepping your home vegetable garden. In Raleigh, the last killing frost date is April 11 (on average, give or take a week), so my first weekend for planting (summer crops) outdoors is April 9.

This week we remember our pollinators. I would write out a beautiful article for you on bees, but alas, that has been done here. Please check it out.

To summarize:
Don’t use pesticides
Use local native plants (avoid hybrids)
Chose several colors of flowers
Plant flowers in clumps
Include flowers of different shapes
Have a diversity of plants flowering all season
Plant where bees will visit

From Beegreen Gardens, here is a list of native bee plants for North Carolina:
Asclepias tuberosa - Butterfly Weed
Baptisia australis - False Indigo
Bignonia capreolata - Crossvine
Callirhoe involucrata - Poppy Mallow
Campsis radicans - Trumpet Vine
Chasmanthium latifolium - River Oats
Chrysoganum virginianum - Green and Gold
Echinaceae purpurea - Purple Coneflower
Iris cristata - Crested Iris
Lobelia cardinalis - Cardinal flower
Lobelia siphilitica - Great Blue Lobelia
Lonicera sempervirens - Coral Honeysuckle
Penstemon digitalis - Beardtongue
Physostegia virginiana - Obedient Plant
Rudbeckia fulgida - Black-eyed Susan
Salvia lyrata - Lyre-Leaved Sage
Solidago canadensis - Goldenrod
Tiarella cordifolia - Foamflower

This weekend I am planting a butterfly garden mix that I found at Costco, which only has one from the list above, but does meet the suggestions of various shapes, sizes and colors. I guess that gives me an excuse to hit up the plant nurseries!

Finding Your Calling

2011-02-24T15:04:00.001-05:00

Earlier this week I wrote a blog post, deleted it, and then sent it to the women in my Community Group. It is embarrassing when you ask the same questions for years on end only to stay just as confused. This pursuit of finding our "calling" as it relates to the local church and God's work at large can seem impossible to nail down as our lives and circumstances are constantly in flux. As an undergrad I had a very different idea of what serving God looked like than I do now as a mother of two children with a part-time job.

Back in high school, my youth pastor Phil drew a diagram one Sunday morning that looked somewhat like a bulls eye. He described the outside circle as God's general will for all mankind - that they would love Him and obey His commands (one being to go and tell people about Him). The inner circle was described as God's specific will, which on occasion we might be called to. For instance, God sent Moses to Egypt. He explained that God loves us unconditionally, and as long as we were inside that outer circle, we were a-okay. We didn't have to have an approved agenda of how to spend each minute of our day. Pick what you enjoy. Really?

Here is a chunk of what I sent to my friends:

What does God expect from a stay-at-home mom with two little kids? Is it that God has more expectations of me right now, or am I just projecting and using religion to validate my own insecurities? I remember last time I brought up this topic (maybe on Facebook?) I got wonderful responses about how raising small children is exactly where I am supposed to be, but I keep hearing about normal people doing amazing things, and I’ve got to admit that it overwhelms me and makes me a little jealous, which is absolutely the wrong motivator to plugging in to a ministry somewhere. But seriously, how cool is starting up non-profits to help underprivileged or at-risk kids/orphans/etc. Any plugging in should derive from plugging into Jesus and being led in a direction. Any motivation I feel right now probably stems from envy, escapism, desires to make something of myself (disgusting I know, but at least I’m honest). Pastor Tyler keeps preaching on it, so I keep thinking about it.

It was so encouraging hearing back from them. Some were in the place as I, some felt pretty strongly that they knew their own calling, and some were in the process of figuring it all out. The common conclusion that we all seemed to come to is summed up by this verse:

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. - Colossians 3:17

This is our calling. What we do and what we say, no matter what that is, should be representative of the person Jesus Christ and done or spoken with grateful hearts. If I am struggling to find my calling, then perhaps there is an issue with one of two things: 1) I am disconnected from the person Jesus Christ or 2) I have an ungrateful heart. Personally, I don't feel the two can be mutually exclusive. If we know Jesus, really know him, we can't help but have gratitude.

I realize this doesn't answer the question of "What should I do?" but maybe the question of calling is not to be a question of action, but a question of being - at least when it comes to that outer circle mentioned earlier. I envy those who have found themselves in that inner circle for a time knowing exactly the tasks they are to complete, but the harsh reality is that if I am not willing to dwell in that outer circle where I am living out Colossians 3:17, how can I ever be available for God to bring me into that inner circle if He so chooses?

Just because I don't feel called to adopt a child right now, start up a new non-profit, or volunteer my time at a gospel-centered ministry does not mean that I have failed to answer God's calling unless He actually has told me to do one of those. And if others have been called to do those things, it does not mean God loves them more or is prouder of them. I am so disgusted by my comparative Christianity and the way I seem determined to evaluate myself on my own terms rather than His.

However, there is grace. There is always grace.

Gardening and Entrepreneurs

2011-02-22T10:42:00.000-05:00

I've been working hard to get the garden ready, and this morning I finally planted something in it! No, onions aren't too thrilling, but they are a great way to start! I've also moved the tomato sprouts out to the cold frame. Half the fence posts are up, and it feels like the garden is coming together.

Yesterday we spent the entire day outside. First we went to Matt and Amy's to cut down some bamboo for our teepee, then we played outside and friends came to visit. After family nap time, we spend more time working on the garden... meaning Matthew played on the deck, Daniel drove cars, and I turned over every square foot of soil in my 20 ft by 30 ft garden. We ended the day with a wagon ride around the culdesac and talking to neighbors.

That's dried oreo goo on the baby's face :)

Whenever I get passionate about something, I immediately start brainstorming business opportunities. Why is that? A potter friend once told me to follow passions and eventually you might get paid for them, but if not you at least are doing something you love. Perhaps I am an entrepreneur at heart, but for right now, I just need to focus on family - I think. I don't know. I'm pretty excited about starting up the new blog "Love Sown" and I can see potential in that to expand beyond just a blog, with a lot of writing, energy and more readers. The best part about Love Sown is that it is based on two passions, family and gardening, and it allows me to build into both while pursuing a third passion, writing (or blogging - but must I use the word? It embarrasses me).

What makes an entrepreneur? How do young moms balance hopping on board new ideas and endeavors and family? Really, I am looking for input here. I know amongst my readers there are plenty young women who've started their own businesses and ministries. What did it take for you to jump off that ledge and go for it?

10 Weeks of Vegetable Gardening: Week 4

2011-02-18T08:00:00.006-05:00

Each Friday I am posting a weekly guide for prepping your home vegetable garden. In Raleigh, the last killing frost date is April 11 (on average, give or take a week), so my first weekend for planting outdoors is April 9.

Do you have a cold frame? Joe built me one last year so I could move my plants outside and our family could once again eat in our dining room. A cold frame isn’t essential, but it does have several advantages. Cold frames allow you to warmly store plants outdoors by letting in the sun and trapping the heat while it is still too cold to put them in the ground. If you have a larger garden and start most your plants from seeds, keeping all the sprouts indoors can be impractical. The cold frams can also help gently acclimate sprouts to the cooler outdoor temperatures, a process called “hardening off”. A cold frame can be as simple or as fancy as you like. We made ours out of reclaimed materials, which gave me the warm greenies.

If you already have a cold frame or don’t need one, take the time this weekend to catch up on getting your garden in shape. We still have a fence to build, soil to prep (rocks to remove) and onion sets to plant!

Tasks:

Do a little internet search on “cold frames” and check out all the fun designs out there.
Hit up the flea market or the Habitat ReStore to get materials for your box. Habitat typically carries lumber and windows.
Get handy and build your box… or pull out that plastic card and take a gander to the Gardner Supply Store.
Find a sunny spot for the location of your cold frame that is protected from the wind. This can be against your house or it can be placed directly inside a garden box.
Once your sprouts have their first set or two of true leaves, relocated them to the box and make sure they have something to filter the light for the first several days as their leaves will be prone to burning.
This week you can start the following indoors: Kale, Broccoli, Brussels Sprouts, Cabbage, Cauliflower, Collards, Lettuce, Watermelon.

our cold frame

Love Sown is Launched!

2011-02-16T15:53:00.002-05:00

If you know me at all, you know I get downright giddy about gardening. I make no claims of expertise, only of solid attempts and biting off more than I can chew. If you add kids to the equation, you get my mind reeling. I'm starting this new blog "Love Sown" so I be more intentional on finding projects to do with the boys outside without exhausting those of you who are already overwhelmed by the garden posts (of course I am already envisioning selling my own seed mixes, garden totes and t-shirts).

Pocket Smiles isn't going anywhere, and it will still be just as personal and self-incriminating as usual. Do me a favor if you do like gardens + kids. Go visit Love Sown and follow me there or subscribe to the posts.

Thanks!

Wordless Wednesday: Tilling Time

2011-02-16T07:44:00.000-05:00

Trails and Tots

2011-02-14T15:54:00.005-05:00

I have a terrible habit of attempting to rally together friends for kid outings at the last minute. While I want to take the boys on fun adventures, I get a little nervous doing it all alone. Sometimes the rallying works, and sometimes I end up alone. I know I'm not really alone because I have my boys with me, but I tend to picture it as me taking on the boys rather than taking the boys. On days like today, I find that alone time with the boys can be really sweet, which is always encouraging after major flops like the time Daniel screamed the entire time we were in Lowes to pick up an order at Christmas.

This morning I attempted a major act of bravery. I did a double errand trip with a hike and picnic in the middle. This was after spending an hour in the garden with Daniel lining up bricks. The outdoor excursion was a 1.5 mile round trip on the greenway in between our two grocery stops. Daniel really seems to be in his element when we are outside. While he opted to ride on the canopy of the jogging stroller rather than walk, he did climb trees, jump creaks, and sit on stumps.

Right now there is so much attention on the baby as the world is opening up for him, but I love watching Daniel's enthusiasm for learning about nature, tools, and basically any subject that he can tell us about. This morning our neighbor was drilling at his shed and Daniel ran into the garage to get Joe's drill so he could work too. Watching him develop his understanding of the Bible can be quite amusing. At one point during lunch, he saw a lady jogger and yelled, "There's God!" I'm not sure what inspired that. Perhaps it was the sun beams coming down over her on the running trail.

Today has been a reminder to really see my kids. It's hard enough to just go through the motions of the day and arrive at the other end not feeling worn down, but to be present and connect with them, listen, and really hear them takes a whole new level of energy and sacrifice. Sometimes I have to put down the bricks I'm lining up in the garden and hold the end of the measuring tape for Daniel just because.

Matthew and the Buzzy Bee (Video)

2011-02-13T08:45:00.001-05:00

10 Weeks of Vegetable Gardening: Week 3

2011-02-11T08:10:00.043-05:00

Each Friday I am posting a weekly guide for prepping your home vegetable garden. In Raleigh, the last killing frost date is April 11 (on average, give or take a week), so my first weekend for planting outdoors is April 9.

I have a tendency to do before planning and end up with far more things to plant than there is space for. However, if you are willing to put in a little time and thought, there is no need to waste seed and materials. Go out and measure the size of your garden and use this sample chart to help you determine how many plants to include and the amount of space each will take.

Summer Crops (Plant after first frost)

The next step is to sketch out your garden and plan where things will go. I prefer to use a 1ft grid. I take into consideration the path the sun makes across the sky, the height of plants, shade, where I have planted things before (rotation is important with tomatoes in particular), which plants compete with each other or can serve as companions. I love using this article on Wikipedia as a guide.

This past weekend I worked on my plan. I like to get a little crazy each summer by trying something experimental. One summer I did a "Pillar of Peppers" which completely flopped, and last summer I tried a mini field of corn with pole beans growing up them. That flopped too. This summer I am trying a "Wampanoag Garden" which I came across while researching companion plants.

Now it is your turn!

Tasks:

Make your own chart with the veggies you want to include.
Determine how many of each you want to plant. For guidelines on how many plants are required to feed a person per year, check out “Home Vegetable Gardening” by NCCES.
Determine if your plans exceed your capacity. If so, cut back on the plants, make plans to expand, or consider growing vertically and other intensive growing methods. Viney plants such as cantaloupe, pumpkin and watermelon can be allowed to sprawl outside a raised bed, so they won’t necessarily take up all that space in the garden if you train them properly.
Sketch your beds and color in potential locations for the plants.
The following seeds may be started indoors: dill, eggplant, sage, spinach, swiss chard, and tomatoes.

Kids' Garden Teepees

2011-02-09T08:37:00.000-05:00

This will finally be the summer Daniel gets his own space in the garden. Now that he is three, he wants to be involved in everything we do, and I can't wait to share my passion for growing things with him. I want a space that he can play in and use his imagination without having to worry he will destroy the rest of the garden. When my friend and I traveled to Monticello, there were amazing teepees and domes that have inspired me to create something similar on a smaller scale in my own yard.

I have pole beans, Moonflower and gourd seeds. I like the idea of growing gourds and then drying them out to use as bird houses for the winter. I've read that sweet potatoes can be trained to grow vertically as well, so my teepees should end up being a fantastic mix of plants.

I found these two pictures on the blog Cambreed Notes, and I believe the first it is bamboo covered in pole beans. I love the purple blossoms! The other is an edible flower. Check out the link for more information.

On Super Heroes

2011-02-08T19:43:00.000-05:00

Joe: You think I need a hug?
Paige: Yes, you've had a rough day!
Daniel: Hug me too, Daddy!
Paige: See, you are a super hero to Daniel. Daniel, is Daddy a superhero?
Daniel: Yeah!
Paige: Are we going to protect his identity?
Daniel: Daddy, you gonna be Super Grover?
Joe: Of all the super heroes, you pick Grover?
Daniel: Yeah!

Postpartum Depression Check-in

2011-02-07T09:24:00.000-05:00

In a mere six months I’ve gone from being a self-proclaimed hermit to having a burgeoning social life, thanks to treatment for postpartum depression and this new community group through my church. In some ways, I’m not sure I recognize myself, except during the moments after an intense gathering (like last night’s Super Bowl party) where I wonder if it just might come crashing down around me.

Everything seems to be escalating right now – Matthew’s mobility, Daniel’s energy level, business during the week, my girl time, and even physical activity. Even sleep, though it is still come and go, seems to be easier to come by. Where I am struggling is in attention span – the ability to focus on work, motivation to write, keeping the house clean. I feel simultaneous urges to slow down and pick up pace. I need to relax a little more yet be more intentional with the boys.

I take that back, I relax just fine. The reason I can’t focus on tasks is because my day is split up into short hours. An hour to feed, an hour to run an errand, an hour to try and do stuff on the computer while also keeping an eye on Matthew, an hour to fuss at Daniel and get him to eat, an hour to unwind before Matthew wakes up from his nap and so on. There is no larger block of time where I can gather my senses, build up steam on work and actually get something done without having a baby yelling at me.

I was pondering last night how if I have the easiest baby in the world and managed to get postpartum depression, then any woman could fall prey to it. It’s not that unusual and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I was explaining to my cousin and her new husband that when your entire job as a new mom is to get your kid to eat and sleep and keep them clean, and you can’t even get them to eat or they don’t sleep well, and you yourself aren’t sleeping, it can be catastrophic to your emotional state.

As a follower of Jesus, I know where my identity lies, and it isn’t in getting my kids to eat and sleep well, but my performance at these tasks is still really important. I know that he alone sustains life and can give me the peace and rest I need, but it doesn’t change the fact that these kids can DRIVE ME NUTS. No one ever told me that my children’s faces and voices in all their daily expressions could stir up such a mix of emotions in me. I am exhausted and distracted desperate for a vacation, and each time my kids are sleeping I gaze at pictures of them on my iPhone.

But back to the social life. I’m not sure what I would do if I were not surrounded by such amazing friends. I don’t just mean the families in my community group either. There is an amazing network of family and friends and people who care, and it breaks my heart that there are so many new moms out there who go through this alone. Moms need friends who will spend time reminding them they are more than butt-wiper extraordinaire. I have that and feel incredibly blessed. It’s because of these people that I know that if it does in fact all come crashing down around me, they will be there to help be pick up the pieces.

10 Weeks of Vegetable Gardening: Week 2

2011-02-04T08:00:00.033-05:00

Each Friday I will be posting a weekly guide for prepping your home vegetable garden. In Raleigh, the last killing frost date is April 11 (on average, give or take a week), so my first weekend for planting outdoors is April 9.

It has been a fickle weather week in Raleigh and we are supposed to have rain today and Saturday morning, so I debated switching weeks on you. However, Joe and I will be out in the dirt since we just picked up a band new tiller, so dirt is what I give to you!

This week is about soil preparation. If you didn’t kill off the weeds or add compost back in the fall, or if like us, you are digging up an entirely new garden, you have your work cut out for you. There are tons of methods to preparing the soil, and some of those resources are listed below along with places you can find supplies locally. I prefer to use Black Kow and Black Chicken Compost and apply them early enough to give the chicken compost time to cool. I also add plenty of peat moss to my raised beds. This link lays out exactly what and how much I use in my garden (I am not paid to endorse any brands, I'm just a gal with preferences): "Preparing Soil in Raised Beds".

Most store bought fertilizers add only three nutrients: N,P,K or nitrogen, phosphorous and potassium. In reality, your plants need much more than these three and need different amounts at different times during the growing cycle. The following are just several nutrients your plants need. I've included some organic and natural sources of these.

Nitrogen - fish meal, blood meal, composted manure (only use composted manure, never fresh),shellfish fertilizer, coffee grounds (be careful about acidity)
Phosphorus - bone meal, shellfish fertilizer
Potassium - green sand, shellfish fertilizer, wood ash, kelp meal
Calcium - egg shells, shellfish fertilizer, lime (not the fruit)
Magnesium - green sand, epsom salt
Iron - green sand
Zinc - zinc sulfate
Copper - copper sulfate

Of course, any plant nursery will be more than happy to direct you to the fertilizers that meet your needs if you let them know what you are growing and what your soil is deficient in. Check this Organic Fertilizer Guide for more information.

If your beds are ready the following can be planted in the ground now: asparagus, cabbage, onion sets or plants, peas, radishes, rutabagas and turnips. Personally, I am quitting peas (anyone want my seed?) and will be waiting another week or two before planting outdoors to give my soil time to rest. Besides, the weather forecast shows snow next week!

Tasks:

Till or turn. As long as the soil is dry enough and the ground is not still frozen, turn over the soil about eight inches while raking out what weeds you are able to.
Condition. Now is the time to add lime, peat and compost (if you didn’t in the fall) and take a soil sample to your nearest extension office to determine what other nutrients your soil is lacking. Confession: I have never taken in a sample, but I’ve heard it’s the thing to do. Start rinsing out and saving your eggshells as a great source of calcium.
Supplement. The soil level in your beds has likely dropped since last year. Add your favorite soil mix to top off the beds.
Mix and smooth. Once the soil has been turned, conditioned and supplemented, mix it up well and smooth over the top.
Cover. Black tarp or plastic bags spread over the beds will help kill off the weeds and the larva of pests that may have overwintered in your garden.

Materials:

Shovel or tiller for larger gardens, spade, rake.
Garden gloves. Do your hands a favor!
Vegetable planting mix, compost, peat, lime, other fertilizers and conditioners.
Black tarp or plastic and stakes.

Links and places of interest:

Capital Mulch Company (for Raleigh and locals)
Creating the Right Soil Mix for Square Foot Gardening
Logan’s Trading Company (local resource for soil and ammendments)
Resources for Compost and Mulch by NCCES

10 Weeks of Vegetable Gardening: Week 1

2011-01-28T08:10:00.002-05:00

Each Friday I will be posting a weekly guide for prepping your home vegetable garden. In Raleigh, the average last killing frost date is April 11 (give or take a week), so my first weekend for planting outdoors will be April 9. Check out this frost map to determine yours.

There are now ten weeks before our big outdoor planting weekend. If you buy all your vegetable plants for your home garden, this may not be very significant, but if you enjoy starting your plants from seed, this is a reason to scurry into action. Take time to dream of what your garden (and your dinner plate) will look like this year.

As you plan and select your seeds, ask yourself the following questions: 1) Will I eat it? 2) Does it grow well in my yard? 3) How can I simplify? I have a tendency of overcomplicating my garden, attempting to grow things I have never had luck in growing, and incorporating plants that I don't eat just because I think they would be fun to grow. Simplify by talking to your friends to find out what they grow well and agree to swap produce later. You can also simplify by limiting yourself to trying just a couple of new varieties each year and sticking to the tried and true.

Tasks:

Pull out your old seed packets and consider disposing of anything older than three years.
Make a list of what you want to plant and which seeds you need to purchase and hit up the local home garden centers or a friend who is willing to share.
Gather supplies for making your indoor greenhouses.
Plant your first batch of seed in your green houses. Set them in a sunny window or under a plant light.

Materials:

Small containers to plant your seeds in. Consider used paper cups, egg cartons, and empty trays from last year’s plant purchases. Domed seed-starting kits available at most home garden centers. There are also biodegradable cell trays and pots at most stores. For home-made greenhouses, you can use a ziplock bag to hold in the moisture and heat and let in sunlight.
Planting media. If you have the kits, the peat pellets work great in these. Seed starting mix is also great.
Plastic labels and permanent marker. Be sure to label everything you plant. Chances are you won’t remember what you have, which is important because each type of plant has its own set of requirements.
Seeds. The following can be starting 10 weeks before the last frost date: thyme, mint, chives, oregano, artichokes, onions, celery, leeks, and peppers.

Seed Cataloging for the Home Garden

2011-01-26T20:42:00.001-05:00

Every mid-winter I find myself in a Lowes or Logan's perusing the seed displays. I cannot help myself. Today, the boys and I spent nearly an hour in Lowes playing on the mowers, looking at seeds, and talking to the staff. Actually, the staff was talking to my boys. They are cuties, what can I say. I left with a seed-starting kit, six packets of seeds and some starter refills.

This evening, I spread my spoils on the floor and went into the dining room to fish out my other seeds from the bottom drawer of my dresser-turned-sideboard. Like a good engineering student, I opened up Excel and began cataloging my seeds. Want to take a guess at how many seed types were on my list? Fifty-two. Granted, some of those were the same seed saved for multiple years, but still it is a ridiculously long list for a home-gardener who wants to keep it simple.

However, I can't help myself. When my friend brought me a bucket of tomatoes from her garden last summer, I think I cut just as many tomatoes open to save the seeds as I cut open for eating. She had varieties I had not yet tried, and I liked them! What was I supposed to do? I also have some that were given to me free from Logan's as they were dumping old seed stock for new seed stock.

Here's my list. The "For" column is the year for which they were packaged. "P" is for purchased, and "S" is for saved. So if a seed is listed as 2011 S, it means I saved the seed in 2010 to be planted in 2011.

Local friends and family, if you'd like to do a little seed swapping or stealing, I have far more than I could ever plant. Also, I highly recommend cataloging your seeds. It helped me throw out older stock and remember what I do have so I don't leave anything important out while planting this year.

Papa Spud's - First Delivery and Impressions

2011-01-26T14:20:00.005-05:00

My good friend Kiona over at Lucky Accessories recently recommended Papa Spud’s of Cary, NC to me, knowing that I was trying to eat more fruits and vegetables and do so in an ecologically responsible way. According to their website, “Papa Spud's is an online farmer's market, working to connect Triangle residents with local and/or sustainable farmers and their products.”

While I love going to the NC Farmer’s Market with the boys, there was something very appealing about having a box of food delivered right to my doorstep. I signed up two weekends ago, and the following Friday hopped online to review their automatic order and make changes. Confession – I am not really into greens, so I replaced the four different greens and other items they had chosen with pears, sweet potatoes, bread, chicken and red onions. This afternoon, I opened my front door and found this!

The pears, potatoes and onions look great! We will dig into the bread this evening as part of our dinner. At $6.99/lb, the frozen chicken was a bit pricey, especially when I can get a fresh whole organic roaster at Trader Joe’s for $2.69/lb (although not local). I saw that Papa Spud’s will have flank steak and local fish soon, but this past week, selections were limited mainly to chicken and cheaper cuts of beef. Next week I may try to branch out a little from my meats and starches and select some veggies that normally don’t show up on our weekly rotation.

If you are worried about what will become of all that packaging, don't! Customers are asked to save all packaging and leave it on the doorstep before the following week's delivery so that if can be reused. They had reused an old plastic water bottle by filling it with water and freezing it to keep the box cool.

Overall, I am very pleased so far. The website is easy to use and there are plenty of options to choose from. They deliver to Raleigh, Cary, Durham, and Apex/Holly Springs. Here is their delivery map. I can't wait until next Wednesday!

Two Nerds Trying to Look Suave

2011-01-26T07:55:00.003-05:00

Me: Ha ha ha! You look like a 6'5" turd!
Joe: (standing awkwardly in his brown cords and brown leather jacket) Thanks.
Me: Sorry, I love you! You don't have to change.
Joe: (taking off the jacket and grabbing his green fleece). What? You called me a turd. I have to change.
Me: Sorry!
Joe: (Striking a pose). Green and brown. Now I am a bacterial infection.

Seed Swap... Who's In?

2011-01-24T14:56:00.000-05:00

Just a quick shout-out to my Raleigh (and Triangle) friends who like to dabble in the garden:

Is anyone interested in swapping seeds on Saturday, February 5? I'm happy to host something if there are several of us interested. I always have more seeds than I could possibly plant and can't afford to buy packets of many new varieties. If you are interested, drop a comment and email address (it stays private) and I will be in touch with an Evite. Spring planting is just around the corner!

Third Birthday Highlights

2011-01-23T08:13:00.001-05:00

Third birthday highlights:

For several days before his birthday, Daniel would say, "Birthday is coming up?" and nod his head because he knew it was.
The morning of, Daniel asked if we could get his party out of the refrigerator. We think he might have been referring to the orange fruit punch we picked up the night before.
Daniel asked me to sing "Happy Birthday" to him several times that morning.
I flipped out a little when the cupcakes kept sliding off the cake.
Daniel wanted his cake to be orange.
When people wished him a "happy birthday", he would say it back to them.
Daniel flung the front door open screaming "Friends!!!" as people pulled into the driveway.
Three year old kids are really funny together, and the conversations are awesome.
Building birdhouses was great, but as expected the parents were left finishing the projects.
The birdhouses were for ages 8 and up, but even the 20 and ups were struggling!
There was a mad rush for all the cars (Handy Manny, Automoblox and McQueen) as the presents were opened.
Daniel was great at sharing his initially because he had not yet processed that they were his to not share.
Daniel ran into the kitchen repeatedly to steal bites of his cake after the party was over.
When Joe was setting up Daniel's tent from Bubba and Susu, he lunged into it before it was fully up.
Daniel took a nap and slept overnight in his tent, and I doubt we will ever be able to get him back in his toddler bed, especially since we moved the mattress into the tent :)

Thoughts on Community and the Body of Christ

2011-01-21T16:33:00.001-05:00

You stand behind your concrete wall

communing with yourself and God,

and as you gaze on the world through tiny holes,

you wonder why it is so hard to love.

I came to visit it you, to try to know you,

but there was no door to knock on,

no windows to look through,

and all I could see was your eyes

looking at me through the tiny holes.

You, hidden in your concrete cask

with no entrance and no exit,

and I standing there out in the open—

it wasn’t very comfortable,

so I gave up and turned away

to build a concrete wall of my own.

I wrote this poem many years ago about a friend whom I'd tried to get to know on a deeper level but met me with cool resistance and an independence that left no room for companionship. Their seclusion incited seclusion in me. Last night as a group of us gathered in the Simons' living room to grapple with the spiritual and practical applications of being the body of Christ, I was faced with the realization that while I'd judged this friend in the past for a standoffish nature, I too had likely exuded this to others over the course of my relatively short adult life, and although I'd made leaps and bounds in living a more open life, I still held up many walls.

While I may come across as exceedingly open and transparent, there is an inner wall that holds people at bay, that prevents me from accepting love and trusting that love. I think this is common in a lot of us and is a device we use as protection in the case we have to run. We don't fully give over our hearts for the sake that they just might get broken.

Anyone who's been to summer camps or youth group has likely hear the somewhat cliche analogy of taking a stick from the fire and seeing how it burns out quickly apart from the whole. However, if the body of Christ truly operates as a body, then to be apart from it implies that you are not part of the body of Christ. There is no remote hand or eye of the body. There is no option to run.

I read recently that one of the signs of being a follower of Jesus is that you love his people. If I'm honest, I'll tell you that I don't trust the body. There are parts of the body that offend me. There are parts that have hurt me. There are part that I have offended and hurt. There has even been a time where I've sought to separate myself from the body and remain emotionally detached to be my own island.

My friend Natalie said it best last night that the followers of Jesus aren't just a family or a team. They are far closer, and the nature of the relationship demands unity. We are all equal because we all comprise the physical representation of Jesus to this world as one. It is no wonder that as I have allowed resentment to pull me apart from the body I've felt physical pain in my gut, a restless mind, and unquenchable loneliness, and my actions have influenced others.

I don't claim to know how to happily live as the body of Christ without all the tension and conflicts that arise so often, but I do know that at the core of it is being with people - not just being in the same room, but being present, being vulnerable, being honest, being willing to allow God's blessings to be poured through your life and to accept His blessings as they pour through their lives. At the core of it is celebrating God's creativity in his creation and calling on each of each other's lives and walking along side each other as we live that out. At the core of it is speaking truth, the words of Jesus into each others' lives and to be able to trust that they love you above themselves. At the core of it is acting as the body of Christ to the world. Jesus loved, taught, fed, healed, offered mercy, comforted, held, touched, listened, and reconciled the world around him.

It seems that with every year Joe and I learn about living in community by being in it, we see a bigger picture of the person of Jesus and his vision for the world. Sure, the deeper we get in life with people the more often we feel the sting of hurt feelings and haphazard words, but the quicker we find heeling and reconciliation. The more we see that we were created to be a part of this, we find our identities not only as individuals whom God loves but as a people whom God loves.

New Workplace Demands

2011-01-20T13:55:00.001-05:00

The Moms of Extremely Loud Toddlers Union Sets New Workplace Demands

RALEIGH, N.C. Union representative Paige Puckett (30) claims that while the home workplace has many advantages such as pajama day (M-F), beer before 5pm and the shameless scratching of itchy places without fear of public scrutiny, that the strain on her ears has become too much, even for her.

"I find that I spend a good 27% of my day trying to lower the volume of the clients and then 11% of my day recovering from the failed attempts. We all know that 62% productivity leaves a lot to be desired."

Puckett set forth the following demands:

"Soft ear plugs with a decibel rating of at least 32. I just burned through my carton of 100 and am now stuck with some old stiff ones. Soft is crucial. I don't care so much about the color - at least not like I did back during my reckless contemporary Christian concert days of the 90s."

She also has demanded coinciding nap times for her two children, Daniel (3) and Matthew (7 months). "And during this nap, I turn off the tv and make sure I can either nap or bathe." She says that home cleanliness is important but not as important as maintaining a shred of sanity for her husband when he gets home.

In her case, Puckett claims the customer is not always right. "I know it's important to work with the clients, to come to reasonable compromises, but these noise issues I won't budge on. Today, I was telling Daniel not to yell, so he closed his mouth and proceeded to hum-screem at ear-bleeding levels. This is not acceptable."

Unseasonable Weather

2011-01-19T20:33:00.000-05:00

The boys and I really enjoyed getting outside today in the 60 degree air without jackets. I even let my legs take a peek at the sunshine. Shhh, don't tell.

The Slaughter of Silence and Sleep

2011-01-17T08:51:00.000-05:00

After tears of confusion, much drama, pain, clinging, drooling, gnawing, and the slaughter of silence and sleep, Matthew has pushed two teeth through. There is no picture because there isn't much to see yet, just two little white lines on his bottom gum line. I suppose I should be mourning the impending loss of his sweet gummy smile, but babies with just their two bottom teeth are quite adorable too.

Last week, Matthew and I visited my family in Chattanooga (technically it is Ooltewah, but usually no one has heard of it). The youngest of mom's two older brothers passed away, and I wanted to keep her company as we all awaited plans for the funeral service to be made as the heavens blanketed us with eight inches of snow. Matthew did his duty of bringing smiles and laughter as he started crawling, batting his eyelashes and making kissy sounds for the first time. It was a sweet time with my parents and extended family as we reconnected, shared fond memories, and promised to keep in touch more often.

If you have met my older son Daniel, you know that my ears were likely desperate for short respite from the constant barrage of noise whether it be yelling, laughing, whining or toys with far too many batteries that are overdue for taking a one-way trip to the local Goodwill. Being in Tennessee, I could suddenly hear Matthew's voice again. I heard birds. I heard my own thoughts. I truly missed Daniel, but the silence of the snow and Matthew's quiet babbling cooled my spirit.

At the end of the week when I met up with Daniel and my mother-in-law at McDonalds to take him back home, Daniel yelled above the bustle of the registers and voices and complained about the buckles on the highchair as he rolled himself spastically to and from the table with hip thrusts. I nearly had a panic attack as I shoved down the chicken nuggets and attempted to regain my ability to find some quiet sanity amidst the loud chatter endlessly pounding on my ear drums. I don't think I was emotionally prepared to go from handling a baby with the help of three other adults in the house to driving another four hours with just my two boys. As Daniel threw a temper tantrum in the back seat of the car, screaming over a dropped pair of sunglasses, kicking my seats, and proceeding to vomit on his blanket and shirt because he was so worked up, I took deep breaths and prayed that God would help me stay calm and make it back home in one piece.

Now that we are back at home and I am running on very little sleep due to the teething, Daniel and I are working diligently on his inside voice. Right now he is whispering to me about his two helicopters, talking about how one lands on the road and the other on the water. "Talk louder please?" "No we need to be quiet inside. Matthew is sleeping." "Talk in outside voices? No. Talk in inside voices a little louder?" "Okay, just a little louder." "What is this?" "Those are missiles. It is a fighter helicopter. The other one is a rescue helicopter."

No one told me that motherhood would be so loud. I'd heard of the sleepless bit, but I had no idea how much I would grow to value the little bits of silence that come my way. All the while, I absolutely love the sounds of my boys. I love the sweet things Daniel tells me, "I like your shoes Mommy. Are you a princess?", and I love the little snorts Matthew lets out as he explores the world one corner at a time. Right now, my son wants to talk to me and tell me all that he thinks and is learning. Right now, my baby wants to be held. This is all so fleeting, nearly as fleeting as the silence and sleep that have become so rare.

I've been using my brain

2011-01-07T11:28:00.000-05:00

I've been using my brain and it feels good. This week I pulled out the old dissertation chapters to brush up on my rock cross vane research and start working on some drafts for publication. Aside from being dismayed by the small grammatical errors littered throughout, I was energized to read terms and processes I'd long shelved since having Daniel. I'm getting the itch too. Research was so much fun, so challenging. It won't be long before the boys are both mobile and both in preschool. Maybe then I'll start sniffing out some grant money or a project to join in on.

Infrequent Visitor

2011-01-03T09:30:00.002-05:00

I have only seen this bird one other time, and that was when the world was covered in snow. I think it is an American Goldfinch (earlier I thought Pine Warbler), but I could be wrong. The diversity seen at the feeder has slowed down since the snow storm, and there is one squirrel who thinks he is getting pretty wise.

A Seat at the Table

2011-01-02T14:34:00.004-05:00

This morning, our good friend Thom preached on being the adopted and sons and daughters of God. The part of his talk that really grabbed me was his discussion on how we write ourselves off as undeserving, unwanted or less than at His table.

Several weeks back, I was dining at Magiano's with a group of women to celebrate my friend's birthday. There were sixteen of us laughing and talking as if we were the oldest of friends, and amazingly enough we managed to all agree on two appetizers, salads and main courses to share family style. Six months prior, I would have felt completely inferior and too socially inadequate to be out with this crowd. Many of these ladies are the "pretty girls" I have previously mentioned here and here, and while I thought they had written me off, the truth is, I had written myself off.

I've assumed that because I know the lyrics to DC Talk's "I don't want it" by heart, because I rarely wear makeup, because water and an occasional dab of dial soap is my facial cleanser of choice, because I walk and look like an oaf when I wear heels, because I am really terrible at small talk unless I have a glass of wine - but then start being rather lewd with two glasses of wine, because I am a VERY ugly crier and probably an ugly laugher as well, because I sometimes let a little gas slip, because I eat butter straight from the fridge, because most summer days I'm bent over in the dirt while simultaneously sharing a half-moon with the neighborhood, that I would never fit in except therein with people who shared my penchant for old-lady hobbies and kids' movies.

Sadly, this attitude of mine has either prevented or delayed the start of many friendships in my life. As I sat at the table, happily medicated for postpartum depression, I looked around at the smiling faces and felt okay. Some of these friends I had known for years, and ironically the friend I connected with the most in conversation that night was an absolutely gorgeous and big-hearted girl I'd only recently started a friendship with. If any of these girls had ever judged me, I doubt it was half as harshly as I had judged myself or them, sadly. Whether it was a lifetime of telling myself lies or whether it was the societal pressures from as early as childhood, I'd placed myself and others in categories and used those to judge, be judged and dictate the course of my life.

Going back to Thom's talk, I see that in the realm of God's Kingdom, it is not much different. I/we get it into our heads that children of God are suppose to act and talk a certain way, live in certain neighborhoods, go to certain schools, drink certain brands of coffee, and we forget that His table is an open potluck where we celebrate His amazing creativity by bringing back to the table the gifts he has bestowed to us. Instead of coming together and celebrating our adoption into His family, there is a whole group of us setting up tv trays in the adjacent room because we feel disconnected.

As God's children, what can we do about this? Talk. It seems simple, but I think often the most disconnected people are where they are because no one started a conversation with them. I had a friend recently express her frustration that it was so difficult to have a real conversation about life and doubts. It is as if we fear entertaining discussion about struggles might somehow chisel away at the shred of faith we are holding onto. As I've gotten to know those women at the dinner more through conversation, I've found they aren't that much different than me. We have common struggles and fears; one girl can even quote the entirety of "The Sandlot", my favorite movie of all time. As brothers and sisters, I think we'd find that we aren't as isolated in our thoughts as we believe.

It's wild that it takes something as crazy as PPD and the ensuing treatment to help me work through a lifetime of lies and insecurities. So here's my formal apology to all those I have written off, including myself - I'm so sorry... let's be friends!

Starting from Scratch

2011-01-01T14:26:00.000-05:00

It's a new year and I'm looking at an empty back yard. The latest issue of Organic Gardening came in the mail and even if I wanted to start planning the spring gardens, I'm completely overwhelmed by the clean slate. Do we go with raised beds or in-ground gardens? Fence? Square or organic boundaries? At the back of the lot or next to the house? Of my 4 raised boxes, only one remains intact. The fire ants shredded the others, so I'm in no way committed to following the same trend of the past three years at this house. In the back of our minds we have lofty goals for a gorgeous yard. Joe's includes symmetry, patios, clear boundaries, a water feature, while mine includes sprawling gardens with quiet nooks for sitting back to sip on a cool beverage while swatting mosquitoes and dripping up the sweat running down the front of my shirt. But this is our view.

I nearly hyperventilate just looking at it. I suppose I ought to view it with the eager eyes that an artist would view a blank canvas, but I look at it and see about 73 decision for Joe and I to debate over.

Sometimes my life feels a little bit like my back yard this January - decisions to be made, long range dreams, and an overwhelmingly raw landscape to work with. One of my greatest fears to to be given potential to do great things but fart away my time on the living room sofa. And I don't just mean in regards to gardening or my other somewhat overly consumptive hobbies. The last time I felt this way was when I was beginning research towards my masters degree, which later became a doctoral degree because I bit off more than I could chew in two years. It took me nearly two years to get it going because I was so terrified of starting out on a path that I might later regret. I didn't want to commit time and energy into an endeavor that would later be abandoned. It was a case of stage fright.

But you know what? I did jump in, and perhaps starting at a clean slate isn't necessarily starting from scratch. You never fully do start from scratch because in each new attempt you bring new knowledge, experiences and wisdom to the table. So, I raise a glass to New Year's Stage Fright as the curtain opens for the second act.

Baby's First Christmas (Pics)

2010-12-25T13:26:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-24T15:15:00.002-05:00

Red-bellied Woodpecker

2010-12-23T15:16:00.000-05:00

This lady visits our front yard throughout the day. I now hear her coming before I see her. She's fond of the Oak and the sweet gum trees.

Female Red-bellied Woodpecker

This boy is ready with his Power Ranger camera.

Scooby-Man on a bird-watching expedition

A Little Obsession

2010-12-22T16:57:00.002-05:00

I debated posting pictures of birds again, but if you read my blog regularly, you know I get obsessive about new hobbies and that part of the deal with opening up my page is getting the crazy with the good. Sometimes crazy is good.

Yesterday I asked Joe if we could go on a date during the boys' nap time, so we jumped in his truck, turned it around and sat in the driveway to watch birds. You didn't think I'd leave my babies home alone, did you? Well Daniel came running out the garage freaking out in tears because he'd seen us from his bedroom window and thought we were leaving. So our date became more of a partial family outing, Puckett-style (remember our Country Club?).

It's gotten to where any time I try to sneak off to quietly observe, after about five minutes, Daniel comes bolting to join me yelling, "Bird watch with you, Mommy!". I love his enthusiasm. God bless him.

Junco

Nuthatch

Birdwatching from the cab of the truck

Blue Jay (don't stare too long or your eyes will cross)

Chickadee

Crazy Bird Lady in a Truck

Downy Woodpecker

Female Cardinal

Male House Finch

Optimism

2010-12-21T08:27:00.001-05:00

I'm sure you have seen this commercial at some point, but this morning was the first time I actually looked up to watch it, and it totally cracked me up.

When it comes to optimism, I've always had it for others but never for myself. I wouldn't say I had pessimism concerning myself but rather realism – nah. I’m kidding myself here. It was arrogant pessimism. I knew I wasn't that pretty. I knew I'd never be a famous artist. I knew not everyone was going to like me. This never prevented me from working hard to be, do, and create my best, but it did prevent me from hanging out with certain people because I knew I wasn’t cool enough and thus decided to reject them before they rejected me.

As I've hit 30, optimism and pessimism have become obsolete. In the words of Stuart Smalley, “I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!“ I've become a smidgen more conformable in my own skin and am learning that while I will always be a little socially awkward, I have a knack for making people laugh and be comfortable in their skin as well. While I still have hopes and aspirations, I'm learning that through Jesus, I can be okay with who I am now trusting that if there are places to go and things to do, He is not going to leave me hanging.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret now. Recently I had this terrifying thought that I might let life pass me by and never amount to anything more than what I am now. What if God entrusted me with all this potential to do something much larger that I have dared aspire to? For instance, I felt like a real let-down and sell-out when I realized my plans of being an overseas missionary were crushed.

Here I am on the other side of 30 and my list of accomplishments might look impressive to some and still pale in comparison to others, yet I reflect on the words of Paul, “What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ.”

It is easy for me to get caught up in who I am rather than in Christ. It’s far too easy to focus on what I will be and what I will accomplish – even if these are veiled in the guise of being for Jesus. The fact of the matter is that all that is yet to be accomplished was accomplished when Jesus was born as a baby to live life as one of us and before us and later defeat death on the cross. What comes next is icing on the cake, watching God play out his redemption amidst the sorrows of this world and being blessed enough to his servant and tool in His hand.

When I said optimism and pessimism are now obsolete, that was a lie. I’d hoped they would be. Sure, I’m laying aside some of my insecurities, I’m settling into this time of life accepting that amidst the diapers, laundry, and part time job there is no time to pursue excellence at the pottery wheel or write a masterpiece novel or do international work, but it is still a daily struggle to quit being so darn self-obsessed and self-depreciating at the same time.

In reality, optimism and pessimism are one in the same. Both are inward rather than upward looking. Both are the assigning of an identity to ourselves rather than accepting the one given by Jesus. Jesus came on a pretty long and difficult journey just to give us these new identities – children of the most high God. Need there be more?

My New Shopping Friend

2010-12-18T15:44:00.000-05:00

All of the sudden, I have a sitter on the verge of crawling. The world is opening up for my little Matthew, and it is exciting to watch. He entertains himself for long amounts of time now that he can do 360s on the floor and wiggle after his toys. Yesterday was his half birthday and I remember how the sixth month mark was a time of welcome change with Daniel as well. Babies that aren't stuck where you set them down are so much happier than those that are!

We made an unprecedented three stops for gifts for Joe, groceries and a 21.38lb turkey for Christmas Day. That's a big bird, isn't it? Because three years makes a tradition, our "tradition" is to have friends over for a potluck dunch or lupper on Christmas Day with the foul on me. Last year the house was so packed that we ate in shifts at our little dining table, and I suspect this year will be the same. If you came last year and didn't get a formal invitation for this year, assume that you are permanently on the welcome list.

Quick question - is Santa still making appearances in Raleigh next week? Joe is off and Daniel has been asking to see Santa. I suppose the guy at the farmer's market didn't cut it for him. I know in the movies people are always desperate kids seeing the creepy guy on Christmas Eve as he and a elf munching on a cig are taking down the props, but in real life, does Santa hang around that close to the big day? Where? Thanks!

Friday Faces: Furry or Feathered Friends

2010-12-17T09:37:00.001-05:00

This week I've been obsessively photographing the birds stopping by my dining room window. While the photographs aren't the best I am more interested in documenting on Flickr the visitors and trying to identify what type of bird each one is. Several of you have assisted me in this endeavor over on my Facebook page, and for that, I say "Thanks!" Already, my almost-three-year-old is learning the names of different birds, and while he's not the most patient at the window (he bangs on it and growls at the birds), we are sharing some great learning moments.

Last week I put out a call for you to send me pictures of wildlife. I have to admit that I was absolutely clueless about marmots, only that I have a Marmot jacket shell and it keeps me warm and dry. Who knew the jacket was named after a squirrel? Thanks to Amy Hathaway for the education and thanks to all the generous photographers this week.

Wild horses at Corolla's beach in the Outer Banks
by Amy Hathaway from Hathaway Photography

A marmot begging for food along a hiking trail in Glacier National Park in Montana
by Amy Hathaway from Hathaway Photography

Chimpanzee at the NC Zoo
by Paige Puckett

Bella, staring out Autumn's window at our apartment here in Texas. She's become Autumn's favorite playmate these days. She's half weimaraner, which is where she gets her deep amber eyes.
by Danielle Hanna at The Conservatory

Ty
by Samantha Heeley

This picture is from the NC Zoo and this Polar Bear exemplifies exactly how I feel these days. Minus actually sleeping.
by Andrea Updyke at Lil-Kid-Things

Andrea, I am with you on this one!

Monday Madness Cactus

2010-12-13T11:07:00.000-05:00

All evidence points to a very naughty cat. I was upstairs making the most of a cozy bed and a naked baby who was refusing to nurse and a toddler who was ready to wrestle said baby, when we heard a loud crash and a patter patter. Daniel was convinced Joe was home but there was no answer - just more patter patter and general clatter.

We went downstairs and I laid my naked baby on his play mat to inspect what the cat had gotten into. In her excitement over a small brood of doves outside the window, she had managed to knock over a pot containing a Jade and two mostly dead cling-on cacti from the beach that hitched a ride on my father-in-laws shoes and I thought I might be able to revitalize.

I grabbed a broom and pan from the hall closet and began shoveling sand and dirt back into the pot while Daniel fished out the Swiffer and started spreading dirt all over the dining room floor. Meanwhile, naked (but diapered) Matthew was fussing impatiently. In the rubble, I was only able to find one of the cacti, meaning the other has hitched a ride on the cat, thus explaining the excessive scrambling we heard while upstairs. I checked under the tree where she was licking her poked paws, but couldn't find the hitch-hiker.

Then I hear the baby fussing louder , sounding a little more frustrated than usual. In his wet fist was the missing cactus, which he was clinching by the roots. As I am attempting to carefully get him loose making sure not to cause anymore pain, Daniel is attempting to Swiffer Matthew's back. Helpful? No. Finally, the cactus is extracted and Matthew amazingly is scratch and poke free.

aforementioned cactus

Happy Birthday Little Sis!

2010-12-10T10:52:00.000-05:00

It is my wonderful little sister's 25th birthday. Alyson, I know the following is spoken in your true love language. Have a great one!

Friday Faces Next Challenge: Feathered or Furry Friends

2010-12-07T10:12:00.000-05:00

A couple months back, my husband dug up the massive hedges in front of our dining room window, and we moved the smaller bushes back to make room for bulbs and planted an evergreen. This opened up a whole new viewing area, so I moved our backyard feeder in front of the window. We've enjoyed watching the birds with Daniel (and the cat). Some days we push back the table and line up our folding chairs and sit and watch... at least until Daniel starts banging on the window. I've been snapping shots of our feathered friends.

Downy Woodpecker

Finch

Tufted Titmouse

Yellow Shafted Northern Flicker

The next challenge is to snap a picture of some wildlife. Entries are due by next Wednesday, December 15. Send any information you'd like to include with the picture such as information about the subject, setting, or photograph and be sure to include a link to your own blog if you have one!

I Elfed My Kid

2010-12-06T09:42:00.003-05:00

I just "elfed" Daniel, and while we were cackling with laughter, Matthew started wailing. I'm not sure what scared him more - the video or our hysterics. Enjoy!

*I added one for Matthew because I thought maybe he just felt left out.

*And then I got jealous :)

A Birthday He Said, She Said

2010-12-04T07:40:00.002-05:00

How each said happy birthday this morning

Joe: Happy Birthday, weefay!

Daniel: Where's my birthday?

Matthew: Aaaaaahhhh PHHTTTT!

And one of those conversations that just makes you giggle...

Daniel: WHOAH!

Me: What, do you see Daddy's nipples?

Daniel: A lot of nipples!

Me: How many are there?

Daniel: *holds up his hand* FIVE!

Me: Five?! Count them!

Daniel: One...

Joe: That's not a nipple! That's a mole.

He Said, She Said

2010-12-02T22:14:00.001-05:00

Me: Who are you going to marry?

Daniel: Mary Poppins!

Me: Mary Poppins?! Are you wearing a Mary Poppins hat?

Daniel: Yeah ::giggle::

Me: You want to marry Mary Poppins?

Daniel: No... YOU! I'm going to marry you, Mommy!

Me: Awww. I love you! So who are you going to marry?

Daniel: Mary Poppins...

Me: She is pretty, isn't she?

Daniel: Yeah, and Burp.

Me: You think Marry Poppins should marry Bert?

Daniel: Yeah.

Me: They would make a nice couple...

Response to "Redeeming Christmas"

2010-11-30T11:31:00.005-05:00

I’ve been thinking a lot on Christmas, not the season of good cheer and even greater consumerism, but the season when followers of Jesus take time to reflect on the birth of their Savior. The older I grow, the less “magic” I feel during this season. I still love the holiday music and decorations (and yes, gifts), but my soul isn’t stirred. Jesus spoke to a Samaritan woman saying that soon God’s people would worship in spirit and in truth. That is supposed to be us! I believe that my coolness towards Jesus on Christmas isn’t due to the weather but the simple fact that worship is meant to be singular. Jesus’ name cannot be followed by an “and” as the object of my worship.

My birthday is this Saturday, and I was thinking, “Wouldn’t it be weird if on my birthday all my friends and family started making lists of the things they wanted and bought gifts for each other from those lists and then sang a couple songs about me?” I suppose that would be fun, but I might feel just a little forgotten.

It seems Satan’s ongoing strategy is to redirect our attention to ourselves turning what is good into something destructive. God gives us marriage and sex to show us a glimpse of the community found within the trinity, and Satan convinces us that marriage is meant to serve us and about what we can get out of the relationship. Satan takes the most selfless act in all eternity, God sending his son to restore his people to himself, and turns the celebration of this into a celebration of ourselves.

Pastor Matt Stevens wrote a great article “Redeeming Christmas” and asks, “What’s the solution for followers of Christ? Do we burn the tree, tear down the decorations, and dump out the green bean almondine?” Honestly, when I feel conviction on my heart about my failure to worship Jesus and my personal idolatry, my reaction is to scream, “We’re not doing Santa with our kids! Let’s cancel the gifts! Let’s give away all our kids’ toys to charity! Let’s uninvite our friends to dinner and pick up some shady characters off the street to eat turkey with us!” Maybe some of these could be good things, but my reaction is to do something to make me feel better, once again taking the focus off my Savior and placing it onto myself.

What was the first Christmas celebration like? The angels filled the sky and sang a message of hope, salvation, and joy!

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

I’m guessing those poor shepherds ran to meet Jesus faster than they’d moved since they were little boys. They left his side singing of the glory of God. They left changed men!

Pastor Matt writes,

Who will redeem this holiday, if not the church? Instead of judging those who do not know the truth, sing the truth of God with greater fervor and more confidence than anyone’s ever heard... The world has been changed, we have been freed from the slavery of sin and selfishness, and we have the message of true hope.

I know the holidays can be the most stressful time for people. There are too many traditions to cover, too many miles to travel, too many gifts to buy, too many holiday cards to mail last minute because someone not on your list sent one to you, family steps on each other’s toes, “Christmas Shoes” was played for the 37th time on the radio, and the kids are whiney. Isn’t this what Jesus came to free us from? – tradition, merely civil relationships, selfishness, one-upsmanship, kitschy valueless music?

Uninhibited joy is what I see the birth of Jesus beckons. I see people that crave to spend time in his presence, traveling for two years in the case of the wisemen to do so. If I find myself cool in the Christmas season, perhaps it isn’t because of his lack of warmth. I just need to move in closer.

First Born in Flight

2010-11-25T10:33:00.002-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving friends!

Friday Faces: Food Face

2010-11-19T11:55:00.001-05:00

I asked for food faces and you crowded my inbox with cuteness! Here is this Friday's batch of food faces. If you would like to get in on the action, I will post another batch next Friday.

by Brandy P. from "Ryleigh in Raleigh"

by Dee Dee S.

by Jessica O.

by Kathy from "Goodness"

by Kim S. from "It's Funny to Me"

by Melanie H. from "The Hippie Hickster"

Bubble Wrap

2010-11-18T12:52:00.000-05:00

Bubbles. Lot's of Bubbles.

2010-11-17T09:59:00.001-05:00

Yesterday morning while I was in the shower, Daniel dumped the baby shampoo in the bath tub.

That afternoon I decided to make the most of the spilled soap and treat myself to a Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" moment.

It literally was only a moment before Daniel snuck out of his nap and discovered "BUBBLES!"

This soon deteriorated into utter chaos.

CHAOS.

A Funeral

2010-11-16T15:17:00.002-05:00

I've been watching the leaves. This morning they were absolutely stunning as they glowed in the shy morning light and glistened with the early drops of a gentle rain. There is something intensely heartbreaking about the leaves. Perhaps it is their fleeting beauty, the frailty by which they cling to blackened branches, the gracefulness of their decent into piles of fallen friends.

There is something so profound about the falling leaves and how they mirror our lives, reminding us of our own mortality. As we all stand enamored with the beauty of the leaves during their few final moments before returning to the dirt, I can't help but wonder why we don't look on our elderly with the same awe - why we don't revel in their beauty and wisdom. Could it be that we begin to grieve before they are even gone?

I visited my grandmother hours before she passed. I missed that opportunity with my grandfather and had much more difficulty letting go. I loved them so much and still do. Losing them shook me to the core. We look at falling leaves knowing they fall only for a season and will return again, yet I think we struggle to apply that same hope to the ones we love. They only leave us for a season, yet we walk in the sorrow of having lost them for all eternity. However the same resurrection that God paints all through nature is offered to us.

I wrote this poem some time after losing my grandmother.

The sorrows of generations rest not ‘neath the ground
with the passing of our mothers and our fathers.
No, they rise forth again through grass and leaves
settling on roof tops and in our soup bowls.
And we continue to slurp down the poison,
till we too grief-stricken walk forth in sorrowed steps.
And yet, hope hovers o’er the graves
clinging to our linen shirts and dresses
as we move lifting prayers in passing.
That hope brushes off fingertips onto faces
as a breadcrumb is swept from the lip.
Hope flavors life, filling hearts with determination.
It intertwines with the taste of sorrow in our mouths,
and we continue in our steps with purpose,
knowing they are not in vain.
In hope and sorrow we see mirrored faces.
We see who we once were,
who our mothers and our fathers once were,
who we are to be --
And we bid them all farewell.

Friday Faces: Next Challenge

2010-11-12T11:36:00.001-05:00

It's time for a new challenge! I want to see your best food face. This can be of you, a kid, a pet, ... a stealth shot of a stranger, or even a potato chip with Obama's face in it. Have fun, get smacking and start clicking! Submissions are due by next Wednesday (11/17), and if you want an email reminder, just leave me a comment below.

It’s About Expectations: Response to “Happiness in Parenting”

2010-11-11T12:45:00.001-05:00

This morning, Sue Robinson over at “Motherhood & Me” posted an article in which she discusses her lack of happiness in parenting and lays out the difference between loving her children and loving the act of parenting. I’ll admit I had to look up the definition of happiness because happiness isn’t something I think about often. I’ve always placed happiness and enjoyment on the backburner to satisfaction and joy – or taking pride in hard work and results, which I believe are attainable even in difficult circumstances. It turns out that these are synonyms of happiness, so I’ve now got something to work from.

I appreciate Sue’s honesty as she writes

I love my kids, but I dread the day-to-day parenting. Does this mean I don’t love my children? It sure feels like it, when you think back to your day and you can’t think of one enjoyable thing about it. Are all my days like this? No, but to be honest, the majority are.

I resonate with her on some level. Parenting is work. It is most definitely an unpaid job, and I would guess that many if not most mothers entered parenting with visions of long peaceful snuggles on beds made of cloud-like pillows saturated in the scent of clean baby only to find themselves at 3 am rocking a crying baby and smelling crusty spit up and the diaper pail that they neglected to clean because of exhaustion. There are many days I am counting down until bedtime and just want to crawl into a closet and hide from all the whining and little fingers that pull my out hair and grab for my attention. Some days I am really tired of wiping booties and begging the toddler to eat one more bite of lunch.

However, I think Sue is spot on when she talks about faulty expectations.

I believe that I was wrong in believing that having children would somehow define me as a person. I truly believed that by having children I would be eternally happy, feel ultimately fulfilled and be the shiny goddess of motherhood.

I think these expectations really do shape our perception of happiness as we think of parenting. When we feel disappointment in our abilities, emotions or even our kids, happiness can be fleeting. When we meet or exceed our expectations, we somehow have a greater capacity to feel happiness.

Honestly, I was really nervous about having my first kid and absolutely terrified of having a second. My sister and I had a long standing agreement that she would take my kids until they were five or six and then return them to me because I don’t really like babies. Of course we were half-joking, but I was under no illusions that this time of life would be rosy. When I look at my expectations, many were met.

I expected to be overwhelmed. I expected it to take me awhile to bond with my babies, unlike some women who fall head-over-heels instantly. I expected discipline to be a chore. I expected to really miss shopping by myself. I expected I would get really annoyed with all the noise. I expected there would be days I didn’t really like my kids. So there were not a whole lot of surprises to throw me off guard and leave me hugely disappointed in myself. I realize how incredibly pessimistic this all sounds, but I wouldn’t have had children were there not also positive expectations. I expected to really enjoy the companionship. I expected to love unconditionally. I expected to find fulfillment in nurturing them. I expected to enjoy making them laugh.

Beyond those initial expectations of parenthood, problems occur on a daily basis when I expect too much of myself and my kids or just flat out want to be lazy. Sometimes this because I am looking at what other moms are able to accomplish and get overwhelmed, sometimes it is because I get fed up doing the same daggone things every day, sometimes it’s because I feel lost in this vortex of parenting in which I never ever get enough sleep, never get the house cleaned and never read enough books to my kids. I get pretty annoyed at myself and feel like a failure.

Part of enjoying parenting or finding happiness in parenting for me is seeing the results of the time and energy I put in. I think every mom needs to step back and congratulate herself for each day her child is still alive, fed, and has a clean booty. These expectations aren’t too high, right? Next, I think we can enjoy seeing our child walk himself to time-out instead of dragging him there kicking and screaming. This means a lot of conversations have taken place, a lot of patience and grace have been given, and soon we get to hear, “Sorry Mommy. Love you.” While I don’t enjoy the fight that led to time out, I enjoy the reconciliation and seeing very slowly his behavior improve and his character be shaped.

I rarely ever exercise, but I imagine that parenting is much like going to the gym. The harder you work in the gym, the stronger you become and the more pleased you are with yourself. You don’t necessarily enjoy lifting the weights as your muscles are screaming in agony, but you sure do enjoy getting that extra large plate of pasta for dinner. You go to sleep knowing you gave it your best.

Most importantly, I think the key to finding happiness in parenting is taking it day to day while keeping the long-range goals in mind. Practically, this means forgive yourself for yesterday. Be okay with the fact that sometimes playtime is incredibly boring. Move on… and as you make playdough snakes for the fifth time this week, enjoy that he’s now rolling eyeballs for the snakes by himself. Have your kids help you out as much as they are able because it's never too early to teach them responsibility and secretly they crave it. Don’t be so hard on yourself but work as hard as you can and look hard for the evidences that what you do really does matter.

Working Through Discipline

2010-11-10T15:09:00.004-05:00

I’ve been wrestling a lot with the concept of discipline. There are patterns in my toddler’s life that could be attributed to a phase or just personality, but some of these are also things that do require some shaping and directing. Specifically, we are dealing with whining and hoarding, but really it could be anything. It would be easier to choose to overlook the behaviors and attitudes, but it would give them a much more difficult life ahead. To not establish boundaries for them would be to love them far too little.

Here’s the best definition I can come up with for my desired approach. Discipline is my reaction to my child’s choices that helps enable him to see the causes and effects of his actions and behavior so he can better understand the condition of his heart and learn to be both an independent and empathetic member of society. My reactions can be boundary settings, rewards, critique, praise, or punishment, but it must be appropriate to the circumstance.

This morning at the park, I was trying to get Daniel to follow me to the car and he chose to start whining and screaming that he wanted to play more. The form of communication he was using definitely revealed his inner emotions, but it was disrespectful to me and to everyone else around. Calmly, I chose to set him on a bench and told him that he wasn’t allowed to speak to me that way, but that I would be happy to talk to him once he calmed down. I then walked a few paces away and looked at things with Matthew. My reaction was to remove his privilege of communication with me until he chose to do so in a more appropriate manner. When I am at home, sometimes I whine back in his face for a second and then ask him if he liked that. Of course, he doesn’t and we talk about how that’s how I feel when he whines at me.

Yesterday I took Daniel to school and was pretty proud that we’d made it to the classroom door without any toys from home. Daniel then reached into his pocket and pulled out a Halloween mini puzzle to show his teacher. I went digging in that pocket and confiscated another puzzler, several plastic rings and a bottle of bubbles. Whatever pride I felt transitioned to embarrassment as the teachers looked on with wide eyes. Daniel’s desire for ownership and taking care of what he has isn’t a problem; however when his desire to collect and control prevents him from playing with the other kids or causes him to fight over a toy or take something that isn’t his, this becomes something that needs training and boundaries.

In scripture, it seems that God’s way of training us to avert our natural hurtful tendencies is to call us to act against the tide of them. In Genesis, God commands Adam to love and lead Eve and Eve to respect Adam. While this is a generalization, man’s natural tendency is to be lazy, and woman’s natural tendency is to control and consume, so His command calls both to act apart from their nature in order to work best together. Applying this model to my child’s tendency to hoard, I need to give him opportunities to express generosity. I don’t believe forced sharing does anything more than confuse a child’s boundaries, but encouraging him to choose to share or give things away and experience the good results shows him the nature of his heart and how to love others.

I wish I were more rational in the heat of arguments, and I feel having a game plan would enable me to react in a more productive way. I absolutely adore my boys, and because of that, I want to stay strong in leading them and helping shape their hearts. Every moment, it seems, provides an opportunity to teach and shape, as every day they are making choices about how they react to situations, treat other people, and respond to change. For each of their choices, I have to choose how I will respond.

Updates

2010-11-09T08:12:00.000-05:00

It's about time for an update on life with the boys.

Wookie is just shy of five months and keeps me very occupied. He rolls over as soon as I lay him on his back. He grabs his toes, chuckles when tickled, and is a pro in the jump-a-roo. He still wakes up to eat several times a night - usually every three hours. Up until this week he's been sleeping in the bed with me, but his his increasing level of wiggliness has him migrating to the middle of the bed and has me bumping into him when I roll over which wakes him up. So to the crib he goes! - except for morning and nap time snuggles and an occasional stretch after a 1 am feeding or whenever I'm missing having him close. Early on, I decided to help combat the anxiety and ppd by co-sleeping with Matthew. I think it has been an enormous help because we are deeply bonded and I haven't had to deal with hearing baby cries in my head even after he's asleep... And Wookie is huge because he eats as often as he wants.

At his four month appointment, the pediatrician encouraged starting cereal to help with the reflux and getting more sleep at night (this was the same one who told me to flip him on his back if he rolled over in his sleep - RIGHT.) Yesterday we gave rice cereal a shot. Wookie was eagerly leaning in for bites and smacking on the food and seemed generally pleased with the whole experience. Later in the day he got very fussy, and I assume his belly was hurting, so I will wait a little longer on the cereal. There's a whole huge debate about starting solids at four months versus six months, and I really feel no need to rush it. We are a happy little nursing team, and I'm now used to being up several times at night.

Wookie and Scooby Man are best buddies. Daniel cracks up whenever Matthew says or does anything, and he calls him "Little Little" or "Little Brother". "Little Little" is smiling at his big brother a lot more than he used to, and isn't getting quite as upset by his loud voice and close talking. The other day when I picked up Scooby from school, he didn't see me at the door, so I ducked down and held up Wookie and called for him. That was pretty much the funniest thing ever to Daniel.

Daniel is talking up a storm these days and is the most head-strong person I have ever met. He is a combination of serious and silly that I know he got from me. He's got none of my looks but a nice chunk of my personality - and not just the good parts. He is all Joe when it comes to sorting things and working with tools. I bought him playdough to bring out his artistic side and Joe taught him to "bring down the hammer" on all playdough creations. I know it's kind of late, but he now sings bedtime songs with me instead of just having me serenade him. Hearing his sweet little voice singing "My little buttercup" pretty much rocks my world. Him growling in my face - eh... it's cute.

As I'm taking time to just enjoy being mama, I find very little time for hobbies or thinking or writing. It is hard enough just getting teaching done. I told my friend Amy when discussing feeling emotionally dry, "emotions are a luxury I can't afford right now." I've always loved introspection and processing life, but with two active boys, I pretty much just have time to live it. I am using photography (whether through the cell phone or point and shoot) for a tiny bit of artistic expression and to capture this crazy life as it whizzes by.

Friday Faces

2010-11-05T11:33:00.000-04:00

I suppose snapping a picture of your neighbor to post on the internet was a little too creepy - even for my blognerdy friends. Shucks. I didn't even do the challenge. So the real questions are, should "Friday Faces" be something regular on this blog and would you participate if the challenge didn't turn you into a sleazy stalker type? I was thinking other challenges could be: the face of someone who has your heart, an animal face, abstract faces, the face of TIME, etc. So if you answer the questions above with a "yes", what challenge should I do next?

Washable Wednesday

2010-11-03T09:08:00.002-04:00

A Change in Skyline

2010-11-02T11:23:00.002-04:00

Our house was the first built in the development and when the lot was cleared, nineteen pines were left standing, along with several dogwoods, elms, sweet gums, magnolias, oaks, and several other kinds I haven't identified. The rest of the development was mostly cleared of pines, which have a shorter lifespan and are notorious for causing problems during heavy freezes for houses that are built under them. After three years of requests from a neighbor, we had them taken down.

The men from Young's Tree Tech came after 2pm and by 7pm were finished cutting down all nineteen pines and grinding the stumps. They had a crew of at least eight men, one for riding the cable to top of the tree and tie it around the trunk, another to saw through the trunk, one to operate the crane, one to operate the machine with with the claw that grabbed the base of the tree to help lower to the ground, a couple more to saw off the branches as the tree was lowered, and another couple to grind the stumps and operate the chipper. Other than the large divots in the back yard from where the massive crane sat, their work was impeccable and the yard was left as it was found (less the trees). The nearby trees are still intact, and all the brush was removed from our lot. They even did a fine job navigating my little herb garden that was adjacent to the only spot available to lower the trees in the back. The best part - they were priced lower than their competitors.

Once Daniel got used to the noises of the saws, grinder and chipper, he ran from room to room looking out our open windows, taking in all the action. I was the crazy home-owner trying to capture it all on camera so Joe would be able to enjoy the fun after work. Fortunately, he came home just in time to see the final two come down.

The skyline is now totally different!

Before

After

Two Boys, One Chicken Costume

2010-11-01T10:36:00.000-04:00

We didn't pass out candy or go trick-or-treating this year, but I couldn't resist pulling out chicken costume my sister gave me and taking some pictures of the boys. The chicken will likely make a reprise next October too.

Santa Sighting

2010-10-30T15:14:00.003-04:00

Did you know that Santa Clause drives a charcoal Tundra and has two Chihuahuas? He also shops at the NC Farmer's Market.

I kid you not. Roo and Daniel and I were loading up the truck to go home and Roo nudged me, "Hey, look. There's Santa." When I turn around there he was, Santa. He had a full white beard, a red shirt and red suspenders, and he and the Mrs. were loading up their truck right in front of us. Roo grabs my phone to stealthily get a picture, and I (to her protests) mime the camera click to him to ask for a picture. I figure at this point he sees us anyhow and it would at least be polite to ask. Surely you don't dress in all red and wear a beard and not expect people to think you are Santa.

Santa comes over to the truck and asks Daniel if he's been a good boy and tells him there are only 54 days left until Christmas. He then goes and gets him a sticker that reads, "I met Santa Clause."

The best part is that we drove behind him for awhile. His three bumper stickers read:

Keep Christ in Christmas

Merry Christmas

and my favorite one...

I watch you while you're sleeping.

The Maple

2010-10-29T15:28:00.003-04:00

Tuesday morning as I drove down New Bern to take Daniel to school, the most glorious Maple I'd ever seen caught my eye. It was set ablaze in vivid reds and oranges as it towered in the morning light. All week I watched that tree thinking I should get out and pick some leaves. Later we went to Fred Fletcher Park, and Daniel and I collected leaves to press but all I could think about was that giant Maple. Today I stopped by the tree on the way to Daniel's school and after dropping off Daniel at Mom's Morning Out, I drove around town for nearly thirty minutes with the sole intent of admiring the fall colors. Thievishly, I pulled the car aside to snatch fallen leaves from the road side or the edges of a front yards. Soon, I found myself back on Seawell and New Bern to look at that Maple. It stood in contrast to a sleepy beige house whose lawn it decorated. Some of the fiery reds had cooled and many leaves had fallen, but still I hopped out to grab one off the road. Picking up Daniel, I stopped yet a third time armed with my camera.

The Maple

Leaves on the playground

Yellow Tree on Mordecai

The Questions I'm Supposed to Hide

2010-10-28T16:23:00.003-04:00

Is my love for Jesus sincere?

Why do things that should wreck my heart not?

Is my faith nothing but an empty shell?

As I look around at my brothers and sisters in the church, I'm inspired by their passion for Jesus, their conviction of his calling on their lives, and their tears as they relate these to others. I vaguely recollect my soul's own deep stirrings from years back and I'm devastated to realize I am what I never wanted to be - casual in my faith. I don't question God's existence or the power of the resurrection, but sometimes I do lie awake at night fearing the inadequacy of my response to Jesus' provision and subsequent call on my life might indicate that I don't really know or love him at all. For months now, I've been mulling over what it means to really love Jesus and how to produce that love again.

While I could read opinions on this topic for years, Jesus is pretty straight forward about what it looks like to love him.

John 14:15 If you love me, you will obey what I command.
John 14:23-24 Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.
John 15:13-14 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command.
Matthew 25:35-40 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' ... 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
Mark 8:34 Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

Okay, okay, we get it, Jesus. We are to obey you.

There is a huge connection between love and obedience of his commands. The greatest command according to Jesus is 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind' ; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' (Luke 10:27) Likewise, he says in John 13:34-35, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

Yet I'm still stuck on what is that initial love or seed or spark in the heart that spawns such acts of obedience and continued love. Is it gratitude? Is it relief from having weighty shackles loosen their hold? Is it hope? Oftentimes I feel so emotionally calloused. I don't tear up with passion when I hear a particularly moving sermon (I don't laugh at the funny parts either). I don't get the warm fuzzies when I think of Jesus. I don't picture us dancing stream side in Heaven wearing birkenstocks and clover necklaces. I've almost lost hold of the gravity of what his death on the Cross did for me. If anything, I feel a little distant. I don't delight in him, and this really bothers me.

But I still want to obey. Can there be just raw obedience and that be love? Can I force myself to love him? Will obedience bring the passionate love I am missing? Can you turn a frog into a turtle by strapping shells on him? No.

Whatever is lacking in action comes from a lack of heart transformation, and it's the heart's transformation that will also stir the emotions. I've questioned whether it was pride, arrogance, or self-absorption. I've asked whether it was fear of being called to something uncomfortable or sacrificial. What makes a once supple and passionate heart grow stiff like leather in the sun? Sometimes I wonder if God is taking a break on me, or if maybe I'm somehow preventing his work on me. Perhaps he's waiting for me to take some risks before he grows the love in my heart? I get frustrated by the highs and lows of faith that seem to have stalled in a dry valley.

I thought we were in this together? HELLO? (hello.. hello?) Is there something I need to confess? If so, let's do this. Here. Now.

The words of Paul bring me comfort in this season:

I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.... And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. (Phillippians 1:1-11)

So here I am sitting on this cactus, totally stuck but not hopeless. Begrudgingly I'll relent that it's while we are stuck and sitting still that God pulls out the pliers and gets to work on us.